The ABC's Of Ex-Boyfriends

A is for a--hole, which is what attracted you to him in some odd, mystifying, "I know he'll change for me" kind of way. He didn't.

B is for Beavis & Butthead. It's what you lost his attention to every night. That and Singled Out. He said he really liked to see people together and as happy as the two of you were. You knew it was just Jenny McCarthy's Boobies.

C is for c---. His mother, in other words.

D is for Dildo, something that always performed on command and never came before you. Besides, since you've Ditched him, you and your toys have gotten to know each other pretty well, on a first name basis, as a matter of fact. Dan the Dildo.

D is also for Dick, something that you were not getting but pretty sure someone else was so you resorted to Dan.

E is for Elephant. They never forget. Maybe next time you'll go out with an Elephant.

F is for Faking it, which you had to do on several occasions. Remember when you were a sophomore in high school and you were dating the college guy that really knew how to make you scream? Wonder if you can track him down via the Internet?

G is for Gut, which he developed after drinking so much beer.

H is for Hell. Obviously it was Heaven to be with him, you wouldn't have left. Although Hell would insinuate that he could get you Hot, which he rarely attempted after three months of being together.

I is for Indigo Girls. His actions caused you to resort to listening to music...a lot of music. You chose the Indigo Girls and now you are a lesbian.

J is for Juicy Fruit gum, which is what your relationship was like. So wonderful in the beginning, fresh and new....he was so sweet. Then after a short while he turned into a small grey lump with absolutely no flavor.

K is for Kelly. The girl that was supposed to be an Irish GUY that he was hanging out with at the bar after work. This was not the case when you found two pairs of Victoria's Secret thong - back lace panties with "Kelly's" name in one and "Shelly's" in the other. Assume they were twin brothers, right?

L is for Lust. You Lust for Antonio Banderas and then go visit your buddy Dan.

M stands for Murder One. You could get a double life sentence for this - he really isn't worth it.

M also stands for Marriage. The Mention of Marriage may have been what made him run like hell. Men, when found in their natural habitat, are afraid of the committment beast.

N stands for Nice guys get None. Guess what? After this a--hole, Nice guys get Nothing but Nookie.

O is for Over it. This made you throw him out, general disgust. It could have been the belching, the laziness, or the farting noises in the armpits, but the nose-picking in bed was a little too much.

P is for Pissed off. All of your girlfriends are pissed off at him, just because girls like to stick together.

Q is for Quickly. Kelly and Shelly must have run quickly away when they heard your car pull up in the driveway and he mentioned that you did carry a gun.

R is for Right. Women are always Right.

R is also for Rules. Men break them. So should we.

S is for Sex. Remember that?

T is for Tongue. If he's smart, he won't try to slip anything in your mouth at this point if he intends on keeping it.

U is for Underwear. Not only did he forget Kelly and Shelly's, but he would leave his skidmarked ones in the bathroom all the time.

V is for Venezuela. That's where you shipped Kelly in Shelly. In five neatly compacted parcels.

W is for Whine. He did an awful lot of that for Sex when he came home at three in the morning reeking of alcohol and "lost" his key. (You later found it at Kelly and Shelly's house)

X is for Xavier Roberts. You know, the multi-millionaire that got rich by creating Cabbage Patch dolls? Maybe you should track him down. Money makes PMS (putting up with Men's s---) a lot easier.

Y is for Yak's breath, which seemed like a much better option than the stench that would come from his mouth in the morning.

Z is for Zoro. What the hell? Tonto can join in on the fun if he wants.

Check Out: The ABC's Of Ex-Girlfriends

Submitted By: Anonymous
Mar 15, 1998 12:47

This joke is rated: PG