Market This

Products! We need new products! Current US markets obviously don't provide sufficient consumer goods. We need MORE . . . we are Americans, after all.

Organic Honeysuckle Honey

Organic Honeysuckle Honey would be produced without pesticides, herbicides, or machinery. Naked Vegetarian Virgin Goddesses would plant and harvest Organic Honeysuckle under optimal conditions, by moonlight. Upon harvest, each flower would be gently plucked. The stem would be delicately and slowly pulled from the flower's center, and the very small quantity of oozing honey caught in a stoneware container. The product would be edible; could be used as a fragrance; could also be marketed as a hair conditioner, aphrodisiac and cancer preventative.

Drawbacks: Organic Honeysuckle Honey would be very time consuming and expensive to produce and would have a very short shelf life due to it's lack of preservatives. It would cost approximately $500.00 per the half oz.

Organic Cotton Balls

Is it really necessary to process the entire cotton crop? Since cotton naturally sprouts from the earth in the form of poofy little balls anyway, why not simply market them as is? Leave them in the hull, which would provide a natural protective covering. Cut the individual hull covered poofs from the stalk. Put them in a gift basket and wrap with brightly colored cellophane wrap and ribbon. Put in upscale retail stores. Charge an arm and a leg. Watch them quickly disappear from store shelves.

Drawbacks: There might be consumer litigation due to the fact that cotton hulls are extremely sharp and tend to cut through skin. The ever present redundant consumer warning label would probably not prevent accidents and lawsuits.

Pet TV Dinners

The ultimate in convenience, nutrition, and variety for our cuddly four legged friends!
Flavors could include Beef Chunk/Peas and Carrots/Cherry Cobbler Medley; Turkey/Mashed Potato/Cranberry Surprise; Chicken/Pasta/Spinach Casserole. For finicky eaters, canine pheromone enhanced Pet TV Dinners would be available. Also available: the I Just Rolled In Dead Fish Smell enhanced Pet TV Dinner. Soon YOUR pet can have a Pavlovian Response to the sound of the microwave timer! Ding! Woof!

Drawbacks: Your pooch may never eat the cheap stuff again.

Diversified Fragrances

Why not be really creative, and add common, everyday scents to the mix of floral, spice, woods, herbs, fruit, and whatever else that happens to be in perfumes and colognes? Adding the scent of US Currency to women's fragrances might attract men and drive them absolutely wild; adding chocolate to men's cologne could make women swoon; undertones of Mom's Apple Pie or Macaroni And Cheese Casserole would be a subversive addition to women's fragrances. The possible blends would be endless. Fragrances could be created to help the wearer achieve certain ends. It's Voodoo by Calvin Klein! Sniff! Not just for romance anymore!

Drawbacks: Aromatherapy could be used for purposes of evil.

Miscellaneous Redundant Products

The Mega Fry And Dip From Ronco

It's the first combination deep fryer and hot tub! Perfect for those holiday gatherings! Fry up a huge vat of your favorite breaded hor d' oeuvres. Then simply drain your Mega Fry And Dip, refill with water, and have a relaxing soak with your friends! It's a must have item, from those innovators at Ronco!

The Clone-A-Matic Cloning Kit From Ronco

Would YOU like to achieve a greater sense of power over time, space, and other people? Would you like to create a whole new YOU? Confound your spouse, boss, and friends! The Clone-A-Matic Cloning Kit contains everything that you need to replicate! DNA Extraction Kit, Homosapien DNA Molecules, DNA Assortment Pak included. Added bonus: The Ronco Create-A-Fake ID Maker, and Adhesive Nametags (Hello! . . . My Name Is . . .)

The Idiot's Guidebook To Idiots' Guidebooks

What currently rich marketing genius came up with this series of books? Also, see For Dummies. Darn. I wish that I had thought of it.

Now go shopping already! You need more stuff.

Submitted By: AF Waddell

This joke is rated: PG