Drug Side Effects

In a report just issued by ConsumerGroup, it is revealed that users of the new female contraceptive pill, Notnowicin, have reported major side effects. Notnowicin became available by prescription last year.

Notnowicin works by negatively altering a woman's mood and libido during the fertile period, beginning with and spanning the last two weeks of the menstrual cycle, thereby making the chances of sexual intercourse approximately 0%.

Users of the drug began to complain of side effects earlier this year, including:

  • An increase in the urge to shop.
  • Increased food cravings.
  • Decreased ability to parallel park.
  • A 150 % increase in libido during non ovulatory period, or during first 2 weeks of menstrual cycle; an apparent occasional lengthening of fertile ovulatory period; disruption of the menstrual cycle.
  • Disturbed sleep patterns, including a 50 % increase in erotic dreams; a 30 % increase in dreams with train and tunnel imagery.
  • Occasional lower back pain.

"This drug has real potential." Stated Theologian Billy Bob Jones, of Billy Bob Jones University. " This drug could be modified to control or eradicate female sexual desire. It's a miracle! PRAISE JEsus! . . ." He continued.

"This is SO typical of the Medical Establishment. I don't see researchers coming up with a similar drug for men!" Stated ConsumerGroup activist Andrea Myerson. "We need more research on potential male birth control methods, and perhaps an additional drug for men that would help them to comply in the first place. It gets rather complicated."

Notnowicin remains available by prescription. Known contraindications for use of this drug include:

  • The use of the orgasm pill, Vagvigor.
  • The use of Viagra.
  • The use of Hormone Replacement Therapy.
  • The use of antihistimines, antibiotics, and Prozac.

The combination of Notnowicin use and Hormone Replacement Therapy is currently under study.
DP-CA-07-02-00 1849EST

Copyright 2000 By A F Waddell@ The Disassociated Press. The information contained in the DP news report may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or otherwise distributed without the prior written authority of The Disassociated Press.

Submitted By: A F Waddell
Feb 6, 2001 07:06

This joke is rated: PG