The Food Label Serial Killer

Edward X had been traumatized as a child, which would later cause him to act out in sociopathical, homicidal ways.

Edward had been a very particular eater as a child, displaying a weak appetite. Big, scary, food-proferring women had constantly prodded him to clean his plate at all costs.

"EAT! Eat! . . . you get the rickets, you get the scurvy!" His mother had constantly reminded him.
"EAT you mashed potatoes and brocolli, eat you fishsticks!" His grandmother had constantly warned.
"EAT you peas and carrots, or none of the Jello for you, young man!" Screamed Aunt Lottie.

Unable to deal with the extremely strong nature of his negative feelings for mom, grandma, and various other female relatives, Edward had directed these feelings towards the figures that he saw on food labels.

"That Betty Crocker is a fraud and a b*tch!" He thought. "I see past those pearls, that Peter Pan collar, and that precious pageboy!"
"That little Morton Salt girl thinks she's such hot sh*t! 'When it rains it pours' ? How original!"
"The Gorton's Fisherman dresses like a pervert!"
"Uncle Ben is a wuss!!"

Edward would later come to be known as the Food Label Serial Killer, murdering and cannabilizing those who bore a resemblance to various food industry icons.

Copyright yadda yadda yadda

Submitted By: Anonymous
Oct 24, 2000 06:56

This joke is rated: PG