CBS announced today the format of the next Survivor series. In an effort to bring a little worth to the program, CBS has decided to gather all members of the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan on a remote island in the Pacific. This move will be made in order to hopefully resolve the issue of 'Heritage or Hate' surrounding the Confederate Flag.
In addition to the introduction of predatory animals and reptiles, as suggested by Mr. Hiassen, 30,000 members of the NAACP will be allowed on the island equipped with tar, shipping 'popcorn' (PETA would not go for the feather idea), whips, chains, and ropes. A new Hyatt hotel is being built on the island to accommodate the members of the NAACP. CBS will be using this hotel later for the many anticipated seasons of Survivor. As for 'creature comforts' each contestant will be allowed to bring one white sheet. Rather than silly contests to prove one's worth, the KKK contestants will have to prove useful skills.
Each contestant will be given a bushel of corn, 100 lbs of sugar, and an old radiator for the making of 'moonshine' or 'corn squeezin's'. The 'shine will be sampled by all contestants. CBS anticipates that this will eliminate half of the contestants by means of radiator poisoning. Every night around the campfire is Kareoke night, where the only songs available are 'Say It Out Loud, I'm Black and I'm Proud' and the Vanilla Ice catalogue.
('Go white boy, go!)
No 'shag' dancing will be allowed. As an added incentive to eliminate contestants, all persons to be heard saying "Squeal like a pig!" will be shipped over to the hotel to clean the bathrooms. "Bend over for that one, Bubba!" an enthusiastic CBS employee was heard to say.
During the fun and games of the show, the contestants will have to serve all female NAACP members with iced tea upon request. All members of the NAACP can, at their leisure, employ the tools provided them, i.e.: tar and popcorn, etc., on any contestant they catch after a merry chase around the island. Contestants who truly survive and are voted off the island will have to swim off, as suggested by Mr. Hiassen, but will go by way of the Great Barrier Reef. If he survives the sharks and actually makes it to Singapore, he will be severely caned by the officials there.And the big news! The prize for this season's winner will be a lifetime supply of Jeri Curl, Bob Marley T-Shirts, a collection of Snoop Doggie Dog hits, and he will spend the next 38 years hanging from the top of the S.C. state house dome, wearing nothing but a dashiki. Just to make things interesting, all possums have been removed from the island and no broadcasts of NASCAR races will be shown. It is rumored that Spike Lee will direct the series.
~By Anita Pierce & Angela Waddell with thanks to Carl. That's what we call him. 'Carl.'
Submitted By: AF Waddell
Aug 28, 2000 09:49