If AOL Were A City
- You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all
were h0t 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in
spandex.
- You'd only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you
tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
- Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be
assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you
great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99
- The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you
try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into
your yard.
- 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with
special offers, promotions and offers from www.girlies.com
- The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known
resident.
- The local post office wouldn't forward your mail to you when you
moved.
- The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one
of those brutal toe stubs.
- If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a
form letter saying how "really important you are to us."
- The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move
his slack-ass company somewhere else.
- Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn,
and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.
- Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and
violently scream, "M/F??!!," AGE/SEX?!?!, "WHAT ARE YOUR
STATS," or "WANNA GET LUCKY?"
- Those who didn't do that would call you and say " Hi, I'm j0e
hax0r from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax
records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we
will be forced to evict you and your family."
- Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a
bouncer screaming "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY
UNAVAILABLE."
- Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your
license tag and laugh behind your back.
- Even your 3 year old son would know the intimate personal details of
the town security expert.
- You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer
telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that
it's really the Earth's fault.
- Half the kids in the daycare you use are thinly disguised fat,
hairy, drooling, diapered men holding sacks of candy.
- Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and
you'd foot the bill.
- You'd send your kids to school for history, math and science, but
they'd wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying
acronyms.
- You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new
arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap,
and vacate before sunup.
- The administration would secretly sell off chunks of the city's
land, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary funds.
- The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and
advertise that children can play there free, then suddenly demand
money while ripping down the swings and accosting the children playing
there.
- Don't forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the
kiddies cannot get out "for safety reasons," and then hordes of
perverts & pedophiles are allowed in.
- The police would work for free out of some sort of "duty" to the
city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.
- Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout
"HEY!! YOU DO WANT AN AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which
you say "no." The voice then replies "OK, I'LL ASK YOU TOMORROW."
- A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom, 2
patches, commercial pics of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of
PkZip 2.04g.
- Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a
mystical land called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of
your fair city.
- Somewhere in another city, David Cassel would be sitting with a
telescope trained on City Hall, smiling contentedly.
Submitted By: Anonymous
Feb 4, 1998 21:43