Let's go to the phones.
Q: Hi, I'm Chuck, and I'm out shopping.
A: That doesn't sound good, Chuck.
Q: Well, it's our anniversary, and I'm having trouble deciding what to buy. What do you usually get your wife?
A: An apology.
Q: Yeah, that's what I got her last year.
A: Well, look around you; what do you see?
Q: Um, I see blenders, I see some vacuum sweepers...Oh wait, I know! They've got one of those rotisserie chicken cookers, is that a good idea?
A: Chuck, you are in the wrong store. I want you to leave right now, go to a department selling clothing, and buy the most expensive stuff you can afford.
Q: Oh, I'm terrible at picking out clothing. I never get the right size.
A: That's all right, you're not supposed to. Just purchase something really expensive and really small.
Q: Um, my wife isn't exactly a petite woman.
A: So? She's going to return it and get what she wants anyway. This way, she'll be flattered that you thought she could wear something so tiny.
Q: Thanks, Answer Man!
A: No problem.
A: Now let's go to Burke. Burke, you're on the air, buddy.
Q: Yeah, Answer Man? I just called my wife and she hung up on me. Don't you think that's pretty rude?
A: Burke, what's that noise I hear in the background?
Q: Oh, that's just some of my friends. HEY SHUT UP YOU BOZOS! I got the Answer Man here! Anyway, we called her five times tonight, and every time she seems like she just gets madder.
A: We? Who's we, Burke?
Q: Huh? What do you mean, who are we? We're us, aren't we?
A: No, you said "we" have called her five times.
Q: Oh. Well, my buddies and I thought it would be pretty funny if they called and made really hilarious excuses why I'm late.
A: You're late.
Q: Well, yeah, but I couldn't of known the game was gonna go into overtime or nothin'.
A: Okay, Burke? I want you to remain right where you are. In, let's see, in exactly four minutes and twenty seconds an Emergency Extraction and Groveling Action Team will hit the door and transport you out of there. They will have flowers, chocolate, and a sentimental card for you to give your wife, got it? Also, they will have blankets and a pillow so you'll be comfortable on the couch.
Q: The couch?
A: Tomorrow, when you make breakfast, I want you to talk about taking her on a vacation somewhere really nice that doesn't involve fishing. Got that?
Q: How come I gotta make breakfast, too?
A: Your wife will explain it to you someday.
Q: Did you say I got time for one more beer?
A: No, I said stay exactly where you are. Good luck, Burke. Okay, Alicia? We don't get many women calling Bruce the Answer Man.
Q: Hi Bruce. My problem is my fiancé. He spends all of his time watching sports on television. He'll spend a whole weekend and never move from in front of the tube. What am I going to do?
A: About what?
Q: I...oh, never mind.
A: Glad I could help.
A: Barry, what's up?
Q: Hi, I'm Barry. Well, I goofed up. I wanted to take my girlfriend to the Riverdance concert, but it's sold out.
A: Barry, are you crazy? That's perfect!
Q: It is?
A: Sure. Tell her it's sold out. This way, you get credit for having thought of it, but you don't have to go and watch a bunch of sweaty, expressionless people have synchronized muscle spasms.
Q: Hey, thanks, Answer Man!
A: You're welcome, Barry. Well, we've run out of time, but I want to close with this: There isn't a relationship out there that can't be improved if the man would only behave as if he were thoughtful and considerate. Thanks for tuning in, and watch this column for more Bruce the Answer Man!
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Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 2001
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Submitted By: W. Bruce Cameron
Mar 8, 2001 18:08