In what I suppose is meant to be some sort of subtle hint, my wife recently went out and bought me what looks like a two-gallon bucket full of fat pills.
Now, when I say "fat pills," I don't mean the pills themselves are fat, though to be sure they are each large enough to initiate my gag reflex -- I mean the pills are designed, in the words of the label, "to seek out and burn fat globules and molecules in the body."
Fat globules? Sure, I'll admit I've got a molecule or two, but in my opinion they don't add up to a globule.
I picture these little search-and-destroy pills when they hit my body, and imagine it must go something like this:
Commander: All right, spread out. I want everyone looking for globules. Let's move!
Radio Specialist: Sir! We've got an early report from the buttocks.
Commander: Put 'em on. Buttocks, what have you got?
Buttocks: Sir! Well, I've never seen anything quite like this, sir. Everything here is pretty...compressed.
Commander: What do you mean?
Buttocks: It's as if it has been subjected to long periods of compression forces, sir. This whole area -- it apparently supports most of the weight of the body most of the time.
Commander: Any globules?
Buttocks: Yes, sir, but they've been pretty much squashed flat.
Commander: You'd better pull out of there, Buttocks. This doesn't sound right. Sparks! Get me Legs on the horn.
Legs: Sir, Legs reporting, sir!
Commander: Legs, I'm hearing from Buttocks that most of the support for this guy seems to be up in his area. What do you see down there?
Legs: Well, sir, we've now reconnoitered the whole area, and it looks pretty hairy.
Commander: Lots of globules, eh?
Legs: No, sir, I mean really HAIRY. He's got more fur than a malamute, down here. And you've never seen skin this white, either. What's with this guy? Has he never been out in the sun?
Commander: We don't know much about him, Legs. Took us four attempts just to defeat his gag defenses, I'll tell you that.
Legs: Well, I've got two little girls, commander, and I wouldn't want them exposed to anything like this.
Commander: What about fat, anything?
Legs: No, sir. Just some gristle. Hair, gristle, and bleached skin. It's pretty disgusting.
Commander: All right, fall back. I've got a feeling we're going to need you in the gut area.
Radio Specialist: Sir! Urgent report from Belly!
Commander: Belly, come in!
Belly: Sir, Belly here. Sir, I've...we're in big trouble, sir.
Commander: Steady on, son. You got a globule down there?
Belly: Not just a globule, sir. It's a...well, it's as if all the fat in the world has combined into a super-globule, sir. We're not going to be able to breech this without some liposuction.
Commander: Negative on the lipo-sucker, we don't have one this mission.
Belly: Well, sir, these buttresses were constructed by Coors and Budweiser. Looks like they spent more than two decades getting ready for us.
Commander: Where are you?
Belly: Well, we tried to hunker down behind the abdomen muscles, but there aren't any. This guy can't have done a sit-up since 1969. We're totally exposed here, sir, and my men are getting nervous.
Commander: Roger that. Retreat down the alimentary and await extraction. No use in even trying.
Per the label, these fat-burners are effective "when combined with diet and exercise." Well, if I were doing that, I wouldn't need the pills, now would I? I'm also put off by the fact that they're manufactured from "all-natural ingredients." Well, I've seen nature; it's on TV almost every night, and I've been to its web site, so I have news for the fat-burner people: Nature doesn't MAKE pills.
Where these pills are most effective is in silencing my critics whenever I reach for a bowl of ice cream. With my other hand, I pop a couple of fat burners, and whatever my wife was about to say evaporates from her lips as if extracted by a lipo-sucker.
As far as I'm concerned, these babies are worth their weight in gold.
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Submitted By: W. Bruce Cameron
May 31, 2000 13:03