It was clear that one day the Ivy League would grow desperate. The year was 2020, the average tuition (per year) for each institution was $84,242 and they just weren't getting enough applicants. So they decided, in a rash, unprecendented move, to take out advertising in the middle of Sesame Street episodes, to differentiate themselves from their competitors. Read on for their masterful slogans...
- Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!!!
- Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year? COME TO COLUMBIA!!!
- Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Do you hate that, too? COME TO HARVARD!!!
- Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know? How many clubs were you in in high school? Have you always dreamed of living in the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!!
- Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot? How about four more years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does the concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!!
- Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in jumping off high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future hotel managers? Do you like bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the chance to stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO CORNELL -- The Big Red Tape!!!
- Hey kids! Do you want to get shot? COME TO YALE!!!
- Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away from stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to drink some more? Do you like to continue to drink? And what's your feeling on drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!!!
Suddenly the Ivy League's submission levels rose tenfold. (Hey, those Sesame Street viewers were pretty smart.) So many other schools realized they had to join the fray. Witness...
- Hey kids! Do you like to sweat? Does binge drinking in your room before you go out sound like fun? Do you enjoy being around rich blondes and finding a date to watch a football team that sucks? Come to Vandy!!!
- Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you hate doing anything that doesn't involve math? That's right, math! Math math math math math! COME TO M.I.T.!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!
- Hey kids! Do you like living in the past? How about pretending you're not a state school, but rather the southern Ivy League member? We've got 18,000 other people who do too! All our buildings are 18th century-vintage and in fact, we just let the slaves out last week!! COME TO VIRGINIA!!!
- If you haven't figured out how to invent the wheel (but have discovered fire and fire-sticks), don't know your arse from your elbows (but do know genetic plant structures and genetic recombination enough to produce 24 variants of de weed with a garden weasel and a piece of Egyptian chewing gum preserved for 2000 years, enjoy the advantages of indecision (hence being in Boston, but not really), and enjoyed Student Council so much that you NEED TO LIVE IT AGAIN, COME TO BC!!!
- Hey Boys and girls, we're not Boston, not Providence, heck we're not even Hartford. We're Worcester but we're close to some other real cities.
- Hey kids, do you like it when your Chancellor takes all your money and gives it to a private firm to design a new logo and mascot because yours isn't selling well? Are athletics the only thing that matters to you? Do you believe in money first, students last? Do you wish to be led by a racist student president? Do you like to be hit with Mercury-Laden snow from the third most polluted lake in the country? Is your idea of a good time learning about the History of the salt trade and the Erie canal? Would you mind awfully terribly if you will forever be linked to the Snapple lady and that Senator Alphonse D'Amato? THEN COME TO SYRACUSE!!! (Making the future happen tomorrow for lots and lots of dough.)
- Hey kids!! Do you like isolation? Having nothing to do and nowhere to go? How about being snowed in 9 months of the year with the same people for 4 years in a row? If feeding cows or dodging traffic for fun is your cup of tea then come to Williams College - located on scenic Route 2 in the middle of nowhere.
- Do you like to drink? THEN COME TO CONN!!!!