What Doctors Really Mean
What doctors say, and what they're really thinking.
  • "This should be taken care of right away."
    I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

  • "Welllllll, what have we here...?"
    He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

  • "Let me check your medical history."
    I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.

  • "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
    I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
    ---or--
    I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

  • "We have some good news and some bad news."
    The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

  • "Let's see how it develops."
    Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

  • "Let me schedule you for some tests."
    I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

  • "I'd like to have my associate look at you."
    He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

  • "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
    I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

  • "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
    I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

  • "That's quite a nasty looking wound."
    I think I'm going to throw up.

  • "This may smart a little."
    Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

  • "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
    I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

  • "This should fix you up."
    The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

  • "Everything seems to be normal."
    Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

  • "I'd like to run some more tests."
    I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

  • "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
    You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...

  • "There is a lot of that going around."
    My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

  • "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
    I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.

Submitted By: Anonymous
May 6, 1998 08:03

This joke is rated: G