A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of
vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of
the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a
storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note
on his door:
- Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
- There are 12 disciples, not 10.
- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior, and the Spook.
- David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s--- out of him.
- When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he
was stoned off his ass.
- We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
- When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
- and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
- The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
- The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks
for the grub, yeah God"
- Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's,
not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
- Don't refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.