Fun With Telemarketers
- If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
- If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
- If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
- This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
- Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
- Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
- If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
- If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
- Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
- Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
- Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)
- Make the operator repeat everything twice by shouting into the phone "EXCUSE ME? I CAN BARELY HEAR YOU!" every 15 seconds or so. Being sure to interrupt since it adds to the realism. The operator will gradually raise her voice until she is screaming too. Once she reaches maximum volume, say in a calm, cool voice, "There is no reason to shout at me."
- Try to speak as little as possible...and when you do, whisper with only a "yes" or "no" answer. The object is to allow the operator to go as long as possible without you saying a word. Eventually, there will be a moment where the operator will think you may have hung up the phone. "Hello, are you there?" Don't answer immediately. "Hello?...Heeeellllooo?" The longer you can drag out the uncomfortable silence, the better. Just before they are about to disconnect, whisper, "yes, I'm here", and start again.
- In this one, the object is simply to put the operator on hold...and leave them there. The call goes something like this: "Hello, I'm Jane Doe from the Acme Widget Company and..." cut her off immediately and say, "Oh, yes...I've been looking to buy an Acme Widget, can you hold for a second, I have a call on the other line?" The key is to REALLY sell yourself. Then just put the operator on hold and walk away. If you have a speaker phone, put the call on speaker and hit the mute button. See how long the operator waits before she hangs up.
- After the operator gets done with her intro, say something like, "Wow, you have a really sexy voice.". Then at the next pause you say something like, "I'll bet you are gorgeous...are you married?" As the call moves on, show as little interest in the sales pitch as possible, but keep pouring on the complements. Eventually, ask her out for a date, and DO NOT take "no" for an answer...even if you have to promise to fly across the country to meet her. This works best if the operator is of the opposite sex, but it can also work for the same sex if you are feeling adventurous.
- Ask the operator what she looks like. Ask her what she is wearing. Again, keep pushing the envelope with increasingly personal questions. As the call continues, gradually increase your heavy breathing. If she actually answers any of your questions, respond with a breathy, "Oh yeah, I like that".
- Do not answer a single question without using an obscenity. Instead of saying "yes", say enthusiastically, "You bet your @$$!" or instead of "no" shout, "Are you F___ing out of your mind?!?"
- Refuse to acknowledge the actual product being sold. If the telemarketer is selling cell phones, ask questions as if they were selling mattresses. The trick is to start off with rather vague questions that could be construed as legitimate (although weird), and work your way to more specific questions. Here's an example for a telemarketer selling cell phones: "How comfortable are they?" "Will I be able to fit it in my bedroom if the room dimensions are 12 x 16" "If I buy this, will I sleep better?" "How thick is the padding?" "Do I get a free box-spring?" When the operator finally catches on and corrects your mistake, say, "Oh, you are selling cell phones? I'm sorry, I already have one." and hang up.
- Some telemarketing calls are consumer surveys. As soon as you realize it is a survey, say in your creepiest voice, "If I help you, Clarice, it will be 'turns' for us. Quid pro quo. I tell you things, you tell me things. Not about this case, though. About yourself. Quid pro quo. Yes or no? Yes or no, Clarice? Poor little Catherine is waiting." This should be followed with a long maniacal laugh...keep laughing until she hangs up.
Submitted By: E.Lister and Lynette
May 15, 1998 10:01
This joke is rated: PG