Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future" by
HarperBusiness. Copyright United Media, 1997. Please keep this
notice with the text if you forward it by e-mail.
There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool
yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate
vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the
stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to
describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.
On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close
any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands
of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal
your ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in
novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy
that it's not easy to close other people's orifices.
It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and
then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your
co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the same people who
won't add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after
taking the last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking the
transporter coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming people into
walls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time
apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of
'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch
If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the
house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries,
stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into
my house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came
to arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for
my walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out
the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage.
If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what
I heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the
commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back
before anybody noticed. I'd never worry about 'keeping up with
the Joneses,' because as soon as they got something nice, it
would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbors would have
to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only after I had all
the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life.
There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my
time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.
For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck
can create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing.
The characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks
from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd
close the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be
hard to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my
oil massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister.
Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks
to go around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations
ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about
it, but that's exactly why I'd need a massage.
I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.
Sex with Aliens
According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with
creatures who would like to have sex with humans.
This would open up a lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine
the confusion. It's hard enough to have sex with human beings,
much less humanoids. One wrong move and you're suddenly
transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial for
who-knows-what. This could only add to performance anxiety. You
would never be quite sure what moves would be sensual and what
moves would be a galactic-sized mistake.
Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien
May I touch that?
That is not an erogenous zone. It is a
separate corporeal being that has been
attached to my body for six hundred years.
It's cute. I wonder if it would let me
have sex with it.
That's exactly what I said six hundred
The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the Star
Trek model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death soon afterward. I
don't have to tell you how many problems that would solve.
Realistically, the future won't be that convenient.