Government Policy: Snake Attack

The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda. Now an anaconda is the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa constrictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and four hundred pounds at the maximum. This is what the manual said:
  1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
  2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another
  3. Tuck your chin in.
  4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
  5. Do not panic
  6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and - always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic
  7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
  8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
  9. Be sure you have your knife.
  10. Be sure your knife is sharp.

Submitted By: Anonymous
Aug 17, 1998 12:43

This joke is rated: G