How To Tell If You're Ready To Have Children

The Mess Test
  • Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.
  • Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
The Toy Test
  • Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks).
  • Have a friend spread them all over the house.
  • Put on a blindfold.
  • Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.
  • Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
The Grocery Store Test
  • Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop.
  • Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
The Dressing Test
  • Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus.
  • Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
The Feeding Test
  • Obtain a large plastic milk jug.
  • Fill halfway with water.
  • Suspend from the ceiling with a cord.
  • Start the jug swinging.
  • Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane.
  • Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
The Night Test
  • Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water.
  • At 3:00 pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 pm.
  • Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 pm.
  • Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard.
  • Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am.
  • Set the alarm for 5:00 am.
  • Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years and look cheerful.
The Ingenuity Test
  • Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator.
  • Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil.
  • Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
The Automobile Test
  • Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon.
  • Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
  • Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player.
  • Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat.
  • Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
    There . . . perfect.
The Physical Test (Women)
  • Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
  • Leave it there for 9 months.
  • Now remove ½ of the beans.
  • Leave it on for the rest of your life.
The Physical Test (Men)
  • Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself.
  • Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store.
  • Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
The Final Assignment
  • Find a couple who already have a small child.
  • Lecture them on how they cam improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve.
  • Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild.
  • Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Submitted By: John Judd
Aug 16, 2000 12:46

This joke is rated: PG