If Dear Abby Was A Man

Dear Abby:
Where can I find the man of my dreams ?
This is a difficult question, since every virgin probably has a different ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming should act and look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give you a good suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar. That's right, go to a bar... preferably the kind that smells of stale beer and lots of men crowded around watching a sports event on television. Pick a man that looks interesting - it's best to stay away from the shallow "pretty boys" in designer clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, I recommend you pick somebody a little older and wiser, possibly reassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy him a few beers, then invite him back to your place. He'll advise you from there.
How do I know if I found Mr Right ?
Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest you try out many different kinds of men and many different kinds of bars.
Do men like aggresive virgins?
Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy - so it's up to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be afraid to approach men on streetcorners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the ice with simple "hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks - even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your place.
What if a man's married ?
Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable experience a married man possesses, without being tied down by any sort of commitment.
But what if I fall in love with a married man?
This is a tough one, especially if you're a woman and find yourself pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family. If he says his wife doesn't understand him and he's thinking of leaving her, believe him and continue your relationship, secure in the knowledge that he'll soon make good his promise. Married men rarely lie about such important matters.
How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, experienced men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as virgins. It's a proven fact.
Should I have sex on the first date?
YES. Before if possible.
What exactly happens during the act of sex?
Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
How long should the sex act last?
About 3 to 5 minutes after which your man will leave you alone. This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.
What is "afterplay"?
After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Does the size of the penis matter?
Yes. Although many virgins believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about five centimeters ( 2 inches). Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven centimeters or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.
My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.
A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
My husband has never given me an orgasm.
The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
Are you sure?
Will you stop asking so many questions? Do you distrust experienced men or something? Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by going out and buying him an expensive gift.

Submitted By: Anonymous
Mar 17, 1999 14:42

This joke is rated: R