If They Made Toasters . . . .
If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for
overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six
If Xerox made toasters...
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter
and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you
could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Oracle made toasters...
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread,
but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in
development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the
whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Sun made toasters...
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.
Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives
you regular bread.
If Tandem made toasters...
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster
would automatically toast you a new one.
If Thinking Machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice
toaster in the world.
If SGI made toasters...
It would make the bread look like it was toasted. It could also transform rye
to wheat and add whatever kind of spread you could imagine, and it would slyly
imply credit for making the loaf of bread in the first place.
If Sony made toasters...
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is
meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
If CostCo made toasters...
They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.
If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You
wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway.
Toaster '95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel
countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the
space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you
control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly
interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would
hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good
bread only works with their toasters.
Submitted By: B. Keyston
Jul 13, 1997 23:47
This joke is rated: PG