Is The Empire Really Evil?

The other day, I was looking at the Star Wars models on my desk, and I started thinking about the solar panel wings on the TIE Fighters. I noticed that none of the Rebel craft sport any such fuel-saving features. Is it possible that the Empire is actually an enlightened instrument of ecological conservation?

You'll notice that the Rebels never stated why they were fighting the Empire. It is possible that they were being financed by a group of greedy industrialists who were fed up with the Empire's strict environmental protection laws. And what did the Empire ever really do that was evil, except to fight the Rebels who were threatening their existence?

Okay, they blew up Alderaan. But what did we know about that planet? For all we know, Alderaan was filled with evil, polluting bastards. It was probably the headquarters for the local equivalent of Union Carbide.

Okay, they killed the Jawas. But the Jawas were obviously riding around in an old, poorly-maintained vehicle with improper emissions control. I bet if they had had a chance to explain to the stormtroopers that they were in the recycling business, they would have gotten away with a slap on the wrist.

Okay, they killed Luke's aunt and uncle. But let's face it, the desert is a fragile ecosystem and these selfish pigs are out in the middle of it trying to increase the local moisture levels. No doubt they were endangering the bantha population.

Okay, they invaded Bespin. But let's face it, that was a classical upper class exploiting the lower class situation. Lando and his fellow humans are walking around the upper half of the city, watching sunsets and enjoying banquets. Meanwhile, the poor pig-faced lower class are slaving away in miserable conditions down in the underside. I bet those guys cheered the stormtroopers as they marched in.

I could go on and on.

Look how the Rebels exploited the naive Ewoks by getting them involved in a war they clearly had did not understand, through a fake C3PO-worshipping religion. Where did they keep getting all their spaceships from, if not shadowy industrialist backers? Why did they have no clear leaders? (Were they led by Princess Leia, Monothma, the guy in charge of the Hoth base, or Admiral Ackbar? The situation kept changing. No doubt the poor performers were replaced as needed). The Jedi Knights, what did these guys believe in? More like the Knights Templar. No wonder the Emperor was trying to get rid of them. All this "dark side" stuff really meant was that the Imperials had the decency to turn off the lights when they left the room instead of wasting energy. Notice how the Rebels kept going after Imperial power generators, no doubt because their energy monopoly was threatened by these self-sufficient installations.

Watch these films with a more skeptical eye next time, and see them for the propaganda pieces they really are.

Submitted By: Raleigh Mann
Dec 16, 1998 14:25

This joke is rated: PG