Collecting Junk

Welcome to E-Junk! With E-Junk, the newest and coolest auction site on the Internet, you can buy and sell absolutely anything all day long -- no matter how useless or repugnant it may be. Here at E-Junk, we're unleashing the vast power of the Internet to make sure you can own more junk than you can even imagine.

Just think about the possibilities! Before E-Junk, if you collected pez dispensers, you may have gone days without buying any. Not anymore! With our E-Junk auctions, you can now collect pez dispensers every single moment of your friggin' life. And it's not just pez. We have tons of useless junk. Our auctions will keep you so busy that you'll never even have a chance to leave your house. And with E-Junk on your computer, why would you?

Here's just a look at what's up for auction right this moment at (and at our sister site Remember. If you see something you like, be sure to register to become a member today. After all, these items certainly won't last.

Authentic Replica of Mark McGwire's 70th home run ball
Looks and feels just like the baseball that McGwire set the record with. Impress your friends with this vintage collector's item. Current bid: $173 by stupidguy65.

8-Track to Beta Converter
Rare! One of only 6 made in the world. Special device that allows one to copy the sound of an 8-track audiotape to a Beta videotape. Or one can also record the sound of a Beta videotape to an 8-track audiotape. Perfect for that occasion when you really really need the sound of a Beta videotape to be recorded onto an 8-track audiotape. Or vice-versa. Comes with a beautiful plaid carrying case.
Starting bid: $0.
Current bid: $0.
Al Gore
Donate money to the Al Gore Election Fund and win Gore's support on the issue of your choice. Don't miss this opportunity to have a say in Washington.
Current bid: $1000 by buddhistmonk46.
(Special Note: Be sure to check out our special politics server where you can bid on 13 Presidential candidates, 100 Senators. 435 members of Congress, and countless other government officials. Political bribery online! Only here at E-Junk! Today's featured auction is Lamar Alexander. Actually give Lamar money, and he'll come over to your house, cook you dinner, and even do your dishes.)
Cool Looking Lint!
Exclusive lint from the wastebasket next to somebody's dryer. An entire year's supply from 1995! Only at E-Junk! Includes both white and dark clothes! (Click here for a picture).
Current bid: $76 by lintqueen47.
$25 Parking Ticket from Outside Busch Stadium on the Day Mark McGwire Hit His 70th Home Run
Valuable collector's item. This parking ticket was issued only one hour and 14 minutes before McGwire's historic blast.
Bids start at $25.
Also, click here for other auctions, including parking tickets from the days of home runs 14, 37, and 43, plus one from three days after Mac hit number 6.
US Nuclear Secrets
Ever wanted to know how to build a nuclear weapon just like the ones in the American arsenal? Well, look no more. Bid now, and you'll find out all the secrets behind three of the most powerful American bombs.
Current bid: $1.6 million by
Or click here for other auctions by los_alamos_guy.
Addicted to Collecting
Buy the new book by Murray Tolber that explains why some people need to collect. In this outstanding book, Tolber explains in vivid detail a 12-step plan that will help addicted collectors stop collecting before it ruins their lives. Special signed collector's edition. Bid now. Bid often.

And if nothing here interests you, you can always start your very own E-Junk auction. If you find something unrecognizable in the corner of your cellar, why not put it up for auction? Who knows? There may just be someone out there who collects unrecognizable stuff found in the corners of cellars. Chances are if he exists, he's a part of the E-Junk community.

Clean out your house and put your junk on auction. You won't regret it. After all, as we like to say here at E-Junk: There's always someone stupid enough to buy your junk!

Copyright 1999 by Joe Lavin
Joe Lavin's Humor Column is published every Tuesday at:

As long as you include my name and web site address, feel free to forward this column all over the place. And if you enjoy my column, why not let your local newspaper or magazine know about it?

Submitted By: Joe Lavin
Jul 15, 1999 15:01

This joke is rated: PG