Most agree that the campaign will be a difficult one with many potential obstacles. Aside from the obvious lack of name recognition, Lavin, at age 27, is also not eligible for the presidency for another 8 years. Furthermore, it may be difficult to stand out in what will be a crowded campaign. Experts predict that by next year, the number of presidential candidates could for the first time ever exceed the number of people who have their own talk show.
However, little of this should matter for Lavin as he does not actually want to be President. "I just thought having my own Presidential Exploratory Committee would be kind of cool, you know. I mean, everyone else seems to have one. I want one too." He told reporters (all imaginary) at an afternoon press conference.
While the exploratory committee currently only includes stray pets from his neighborhood, human beings are expected to be added shortly, according to several high placed sources within the campaign. Lavin is also expected to file papers with the Federal Election Commission later this week, though in a moment of rare candor for a possible candidate he admitted that he did not know exactly how to do this. "I bet there's probably like a form or something that I have to fill out, you know." He said.
The FEC does not require potential candidates to form an exploratory committee, but such an act should make it easier for him to raise the $20-25 million that most people expect will be needed to run a viable campaign. "My neighbor just said I could have any loose change I find in her couch, so I'm pretty excited." The prospective candidate announced. "Hey, you don't suppose I could get federally matching funds on that, do you?" In actuality, he would need to raise at least $5,000 in 20 different states before qualifying for primary matching funds, but nobody has yet had the heart to tell him this.
Shortly after the announcement, Lavin embarked on his first campaign trip when he tested the political waters by making trips to both his living room and kitchen. Over the weekend, he is also expected to appear at his local supermarket and possibly at a neighborhood cleaners where he needs to pick up some shirts. Ignoring such important early states as Iowa and New Hampshire does appear to be a gamble, but Lavin feels that this campaign strategy may prove beneficial in the long run, although no one quite knows why.
The candidate seemed especially encouraged by a recent New Hampshire poll which showed that he is already in a statistical tie with other more established candidates such as Lamar Alexander, Gary Bauer, and John Kasich. Like Lavin, these candidates are also supported by approximately 0% of voters. "We're off to a great start!" He gushed while attempting to greet supporters on a campaign swing through his kitchen.
Again, there were no actual supporters present, but Lavin's toaster was deeply impressed by his rhetoric.
|Copyright 1999 by Joe Lavin (who would make a horrible President)
Joe Lavin's Humor Column is published every Tuesday at: http://joelavin.com
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Submitted By: Joe Lavin
Apr 15, 1999 14:06