My Dying Ramblings

You ever wonder what you want to happen to your body when you die? This is something that's been on my mind, recently. I dunno why. But I figure that those kinds of details are not really important anyway. Basically, I just don't want to be buried. I consider burying a body in the ground is just a waste. The whole funeral process is silly and overly drawn out. Which is another thing. Why are funerals so somber? The entire service is based on church and religion, which teaches that in death we each goto a better place. I figure that if they truely believed what they were saying, that there would be more celebration. Unless, of course, the person who died is going to Hell. Then you could feel sad for him for a minute before you realized that he's just getting what he deserved. I dunno if there is a Heaven or a Hell, but I figure that I may as well believe just in case. Because, if I'm wrong, who cares? I'll be dead and the point'd be moot. But being wrong on the other side of things would entise quite a large, "D'oh!" But I digress. Basically, I just don't want my family to waste the time, money, land, and my body to bury me. It just is not worth it. What the hell is my body gonna do in the ground? Just lay there, right? I've been thinking that I'd like to be cremated. Cremate me and put me in an urn. Or just scatter my ashes around. Hell, if I die during the winter, then put my ass in the fireplace. I'd be proud to know that I am still bringing warmth even in death. Basically, I would want to be used for something. Which brings up another idea. I could be stuffed. That would be pretty cool. Stuff and mount me. People who didn't know I was dead would come over and ask, "How's Mike?" My wife could say, "Well . . . he's in the den." I would just hope to never be sold in a yard sale. Or maybe bronzing. I could be a statue. People would ask, "Who is that?" "Oh. That's my late husband. Rub his ass. It brings you good luck!" Perhaps I could be set up so that if you pulled my finger, my ass becomes a cigarette lighter! That would kick ass (in a manner of speaking)! Or MAYBE, my body could be turned into a vending machine or something. The possibilities are endless.

-Mike Biancaniello

Submitted By: Mike Biancaniello
Jan 1, 1998 14:25

This joke is rated: PG