The Not-So-Secret Male Handbook

  1. Practice grunting 5 times a day. While some may find it acceptable to grunt only before the morning coffee, the true male will only answer in monosyllabic form, except for emergencies, i.e.. when some portion of your body is on fire.
  2. Never ask for directions. Ever. Even if you find yourself crossing the state line when all you wanted was to go buy some ammo.
  3. Never ever show emotion. No exceptions. Including the emergency listed in Rule 1.
  4. Refuse to talk about the relationship. Get uptight whenever she mentions "love" or "commitment."
  5. Leave your boxers on the dining room table. Several pairs. Pretend they aren't there for as long as you can.
  6. Never talk to a female, no matter how long you've known her, when you're with your friends.
  7. Watch WWF Wrestling and believe it's real. Attempt to get tickets to the matches.
  8. Scratch yourself in front of them. Watch them squirm.
  9. Realize that your phone bill is way too high, and you couldn't possibly call any of your female friends, even if it's local.
  10. Never compliment a girl, unless it's behind her back about the size of her, um...
  11. Be early for everything (before the girl is even out of the shower) or don't show up at all.
  12. Tell your girlfriend she doesn't kiss as well as your ex.
  13. Plan for months ahead to finally go to that wrestling match with all your friends, on your anniversary of course, but neglect to tell your significant other until the day before. When she starts crying, offer to take her along. When she kicks you out of the house, move in with your friends and watch wrestling. Tell them she just has PMS.
  14. Tell your girlfriend every dirty joke you can think of - you know how she loves them!
  15. When she gets a cold, to cheer her up, tell her exactly how red her nose is and how bleary her eyes are. Expect her to be grateful that you're staying with her.
  16. Invite your girlfriend to a Pantera concert. When she gets injured in the mosh pit, get your friend to take her to the emergency room.
  17. Tell her, in detail, about all the girls that hit on you.
  18. When she finally convinces you to take her to Prom, refuse to dance. Besides, you're just there to stand around and look cool, right?
  19. Automatically assume that she doesn't know a thing about cars or electrical equipment. When she finally gives in and lets you fix something, try your best to completely ruin it.
  20. Blame everything on PMS.

Submitted By: Anonymous
May 27, 1998 12:33

This joke is rated: PG