Witch burning Just singe one around the edges today and the ERA types will be on you like stink on . What 30 centuries of White male authors used to call witches, are today respected as complexion-impaired, wardrobe- challenged wome... uh, womyn.
Window waxing These days you'll only set off the light-, noise-, motion-, and aroma-sensitive burglar alarm, and quickly exit in cuffs and revolving lights if you're lucky enough not to leave prime filet of leg with the neighborhood rottweiler.
Trick-or-treating This obviously would be prosecuted as a violation of federal RICO [racketeering] statutes, except that most of the perpetrators are juveniles, and thus have the civil right to thumb their noses at the law and be back on the street before the candy runs out.
And then there are the treats themselves:
Candy should be dispensed only with balancing doses of Ritalin, soft-bristle toothbrushes and an effective (but fluoride-free) dentifrice.
Apples should be organic, Alar-free, union-packed, washed in genuine American Zephyrhills water, and X-rayed before being handed out. Any worms should be housed, fed, read their rights, then returned to their native soil, or, if they so choose, given refugee status in yours.
Submitted By: Anonymous