Letter To Percy Ross

Do you know who Percy Ross is? He's the syndicated columnist with millions of bucks who gives money away to those who write credible pleas for it. Well, I figured I'd test him to see what would happen, so I wrote the following letter:

Dear Mr. Ross,

As I write this letter, I struggle to contain the agony and anguish caused by the searing pain emanating from the bloodied stumps which once functioned as my legs. You see, Mr. Ross, I am a wood mill worker by trade and an avid jogger by choice. In my vain attempt to combine my logger/jogger lifestyles, I sustained great injury.

One day while performing some lathe work, I decided that, by incorporating my hobby into the workplace, I could enjoy the best of both worlds. As I glanced about the room, I noticed a large belt-sander apparatus which apparently had not been used for quite some time. Considering the fact that a great deal of my manhours are spent using a belt-sander to perfect the surfaces of various wood products, I decided that this would be the ideal instrument with which to conglomerate my activites. However, as I soon discovered, I was tragically mistaken. With lumber in hand, I climbed onto the belt-sander, turned on the power and commenced sanding while jogging. Much to my chagrin, I discovered why this particular belt-sander had been abandoned. It seems that, after a prolonged period of use, the rate of speed by which the sander moves increases considerably. Because of said change in inertia, the machine's belt suddenly knocked me down and quickly transported my hapless piece of lumber and me toward the rotating gears which waited in anticipation of my arrival and subsequent demise.

So, Mr. Ross, I write to you pleading for the funds I so desperately need to repair my limbs. The cost of said nub reconstruction is $203.43 (plus tax). I wait anxiously for your reply.

John C. Bigger

Well, yesterday when I got home, I found an overnight mail package that my wife had retreived from the apartment office. It was from Percy. He wrote,

"Dear Mr. Bigger,

Thank you for your letter to the Thanks a Million Foundation. I bet you're reading this wondering if I believe your story. Well, I don't. But I am enclosing $200.00 for you to enroll in a creative writing course. I think you would do well.

- Percy."

He included four fifty dollar bills.

Submitted By: John C. Bigger
Apr 30, 1997 18:48

This joke is rated: PG