Redneck Driving Etiquette
- Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largesttires always has the right of way.
- Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
- When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
- Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
- Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
- Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Redneck Personal Hygiene
- Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
- Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.
Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
Redneck Dining Out
- Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
- If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
Redneck Entertaining in Your Home
- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.
- If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
Redneck Dating (Outside the Family)
- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
- Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years a go."
- If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say, "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to grade school on time.
Redneck Theater Etiquette
- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
- Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Redneck Wedding Etiquette
- Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
- It is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
- When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
- A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
- For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
- Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions
- Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
- Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
- The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
- Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.