How To Stuff A Driving Test

  1. Drop a packet of tooth picks and tell the instructor how many fell out, then say "I'm an excellent driver."
  2. Assure the instructor there will be no incident like that whole open bridge thing that happened last week.
  3. Continuously look behind you, occasionally speeding up saying "they're following us."
  4. Before you set off just clarify RED = stop, GREEN = go.
  5. Sit in the driver's seat and tell the instructor to follow that cab.
  6. Drive around picking up people for fares.
  7. Lock all doors using central locking and say "Ah-ha now I've got you."
  8. Ask the instructor every ten seconds "Are we there yet?"
  9. Hot wire the car.
  10. Randomly say "I am not going to die, I am not going to die, I AM NOT GOING TO DIE."
  11. Bring a tape recorder, a large spoon, some cones, and a large tub of ice cream. Drive to the beach, stop and turn on Greensleeves.
  12. Get into the back and stare at the instructor as if s/he's stupid - or grab the steering wheel using those long plastic claws you got from the Easter show.
  13. Drive like a maniac and wait until the instructor goes to grab the steering wheel, lick it continuously and say "my steering wheel."
  14. When s/he tells you to slow down tell him/her you've only got 1500 points until you reach level four where you fight the Dragon Car of Death.
  15. Pick the really old instructor and make it your goal in life to drive like a lunatic each week until s/he retires or has a heart attack.
  16. Play corners.
  17. When you first meet the instructor grin and say "I went to the toilet today. Wanna see?"
  18. Ask: "If it was another time and another place do you think we could be lovers?"
  19. Bring a sledge hammer. Half way through the test get out of the car mumbling I'll give you shatter proof."
  20. Look at the instructor and say "this car ain't big enough for the both of us."
  21. Explain how the first murder is the hardest.
  22. Pretend something's wrong with the car. Open the hood. Get naked behind the hood and return to the car like nothing's different.
  23. Gnaw on your forearm. When the instructor notices say "Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like some?"
  24. Tell the instructor you haven't blacked out in days.
  25. Randomly slap you head screaming "Shut up. No! I don't want to. The instructor is a nice person."
  26. Buckle up, say "GO" a couple of times, then open up the hood and scratch your head.

Submitted By: Stuart Shinfield
Oct 19, 1997 14:44

This joke is rated: PG