Twelve Days Of Christmas In The 90's
Dear, Sweet Romeo,
I went to the door today to find the UPS guy there with nothing less than a
partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't
have been more surprised, or more grateful, and I shall treasure it always.
It will be forever a symbol of our undying love.
Dearest, Darling, Romeo,
Today the guy from Airborne Express delivered your sweet, sweet gift. Just
imagine, not one, but two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your
thoughtfulness! They are just adorable!
All my love Ever,
My Saintly Romeo,
My, aren't you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest that I do not
deserve such generosity! Imagine, three French hens! They are just
darling, and a boon at breakfast time! Never have I known such kindness in
Forever yours in devotion,
Today FedEx surprised me with a delivery. Really, they are too beautiful
but don't you think enough is enough? Now you know that I dearly love birds,
especially four calling ones, but seriously, I am beginning to feel you are
a tad too demonstrative in your passion for me!
Dear, Dear, Romeo
What a surprise. Today, the mail carrier delivered 5 gold rings, one for
every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it! I guess now we are
betrothed forever. I am so glad you have come to your senses and sent
something more practically demonstrative of your deep affection for me.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves somewhat.
Passion and Love,
When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front
steps. I almost scrambled my brains when I slipped on the broken eggs. So,
you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge; where will I ever
keep them? I fear the neighbors will complain and I am frequently awakened
by the racket they are making. Please stop with the birds. Earrings would
What is it with you and these freaking birds? 7 swans a-swimming? What
kind of God-awful joke are you trying to play on me? There's bird s--- all
over the house, and they never stop with the honking and chattering. You
know I left Verona to escape all the noise and pollution, and here it is
following me. I can't sleep a full night any more, and contemplation of
what will arrive at my doorstep next is turning me into a nervous wreck.
It's not funny, Romeo, so stop with the f---ing birds, already, will you?
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids
a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but
they had to bring their godamned herd. There is cows--- plastered all over
the nice front lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me,
smart ass, or we're thru.
What are you: some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing. And
Christ do they play; they've never stopped chasing those maids since they
got here first thing this morning. They cows are getting upset, and they're
stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours, buddy Boy,
You Rotten Prick,
Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies.
They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep
and they all got diarrhea. My yard is a green river of droppings. The
Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building
shouldn't be condemned. I'm setting the police on you, you sick son of a bitch.
One who means it.
What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those
trollops will never walk again, not that they do much off their backs
anyway. Those pipers ran through the maids and dancing ladies, and some of
them have started on the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. The ones that
weren't trampled to death have croaked of some grotesque infection from the
cows---. I have the most obnoxious skin disease and am about to be made
homeless. I hope you're satisfied now you've ruined my very existence, you
psychotic, vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Law Offices of Dewey, Bilkem & Howe
69 Ambulance Chase
Chicago, Illinois 60610-1996
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you
have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Juliet Capulet, late of Verona,
and now homeless. The destruction, of course, was total. All future
correspondence should come to our offices.
If you should attempt to reach Miss Capulet at Verona Sanitarium Inc (HMO),
the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter
please find attached warrant for your arrest.
Dewey, Bilkem, & Howe
Submitted By: Michael Haddad
This joke is rated: PG