Twelve Days Of Christmas In The 90's
Dear, Sweet Romeo,
I went to the door today to find the UPS guy there with nothing less than a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised, or more grateful, and I shall treasure it always. It will be forever a symbol of our undying love.

Yours eternally,
Juliet

Dearest, Darling, Romeo,
Today the guy from Airborne Express delivered your sweet, sweet gift. Just imagine, not one, but two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your thoughtfulness! They are just adorable!

All my love Ever,
Juliet

My Saintly Romeo,
My, aren't you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest that I do not deserve such generosity! Imagine, three French hens! They are just darling, and a boon at breakfast time! Never have I known such kindness in mortal man.

Forever yours in devotion,
Juliet

Dear Romeo,
Today FedEx surprised me with a delivery. Really, they are too beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? Now you know that I dearly love birds, especially four calling ones, but seriously, I am beginning to feel you are a tad too demonstrative in your passion for me!

Affectionately Yours,
Juliet

Dear, Dear, Romeo
What a surprise. Today, the mail carrier delivered 5 gold rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it! I guess now we are betrothed forever. I am so glad you have come to your senses and sent something more practically demonstrative of your deep affection for me. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves somewhat.

Passion and Love,
Juliet

Oh, Romeo
When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front steps. I almost scrambled my brains when I slipped on the broken eggs. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge; where will I ever keep them? I fear the neighbors will complain and I am frequently awakened by the racket they are making. Please stop with the birds. Earrings would be nice....

Cordially,
Juliet

Romeo:
What is it with you and these freaking birds? 7 swans a-swimming? What kind of God-awful joke are you trying to play on me? There's bird s--- all over the house, and they never stop with the honking and chattering. You know I left Verona to escape all the noise and pollution, and here it is following me. I can't sleep a full night any more, and contemplation of what will arrive at my doorstep next is turning me into a nervous wreck. It's not funny, Romeo, so stop with the f---ing birds, already, will you?

Seriously,
Juliet

O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their godamned herd. There is cows--- plastered all over the nice front lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart ass, or we're thru.

Juliet

Hey! s---head,
What are you: some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing. And Christ do they play; they've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here first thing this morning. They cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours, buddy Boy,

J.

You Rotten Prick,
Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they all got diarrhea. My yard is a green river of droppings. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn't be condemned. I'm setting the police on you, you sick son of a bitch.

One who means it.

Listen, f---up,
What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those trollops will never walk again, not that they do much off their backs anyway. Those pipers ran through the maids and dancing ladies, and some of them have started on the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. The ones that weren't trampled to death have croaked of some grotesque infection from the cows---. I have the most obnoxious skin disease and am about to be made homeless. I hope you're satisfied now you've ruined my very existence, you psychotic, vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,
J.

Law Offices of Dewey, Bilkem & Howe
69 Ambulance Chase
Chicago, Illinois 60610-1996

Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Juliet Capulet, late of Verona, and now homeless. The destruction, of course, was total. All future correspondence should come to our offices.

If you should attempt to reach Miss Capulet at Verona Sanitarium Inc (HMO), the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Dewey, Bilkem, & Howe

Submitted By: Michael Haddad
12/08/96

This joke is rated: PG