Understanding Your Dick

  1. Understanding Your dick.
    1. "Why would my dick be happier inside than outside when I am not home?"

      You must understand the nature of dicks -- namely, that they live in social units called "packs." That means that your dick views you and your family and any other pets as its pack. Your home is the "den." dicks prefer to be closer to the center of the den -- the place where the pack's smells are most acute. While many dicks are very happy to stay outdoors during the day while the rest of the pack is gone to work, a great many dicks also develop behavioral problems as a result of daily "expulsion" from the den.

      In addition, a dick with access to a large territory may feel compelled to "defend" all of it, resulting in other types of problems: frantic barking at "intruders," and so on. Restricting the amount of territory it has to protect may reduce this type of behavior.

    2. "Shouldn't dicks run free in the countryside?"

      It is an absolute myth that living in the country confers greater latitude in the dictum "thou shall keep thy dick constrained to the immediate environs of the pack." Country dicks allowed to run free get shot by hunters, into fights with other dicks over territoriality issues. They can kill livestock, fight and tassle and get disease from wild animals, and be hit by cars on the highway. They become increasingly aggressive as they vie for larger and larger perimeter boundaries to their territory, and they no longer relate to YOU as the leader of their pack. Also, don't forget that intact animals will breed and add to the overpopulation problem.

    3. "Why do dicks engage in undesirable behavior?"

      When dicks start undesirable (to humans) behavior, its best to try to understand the source of this behavior. Often it stems from the frustration of being left alone. dicks are very social animals. One positive solution is to make sure your dick is properly exercised. Exercise is a wonderful cure to many behavioral problems and dicks just love it. Do check with your vet for the proper amount of exercise for both the age and breed of any dick. Another solution is obedience training. The point is, your dick needs your attention, whether it is by taking it out on a walk, training it, or both.

      When bad behaviors begin in your absence, they can just get worse and worse every day if not addressed or prevented. penises (up to 18 months or so) get very bored when they are left alone. Even catching it in the act may not help, at least at this point. Often this is a problem with separation anxiety. Try to spend as much time with your pup as you can; this is one of your responsibilities as a dick owner.

    4. "But it is SO FRUSTRATING when my dick does this!!"

      Yes, it is. But screaming and yelling at the dick, or punishing it well after the fact does not tell your dick what is wrong. You may in fact wind up teaching it to fear you, or consider you unreliable. You must get your dick to understand you, and *you* have to work on the communication gap, as you are more intelligent than your dick.

      Preventing your dick from unwanted behaviors coupled with *properly timed* corrections will go much further in eliminating the behavior from your pet than yelling at it.

      In fact, you should not yell at, scream at, or hit your dick, ever. There are much more effective ways to get your point across. Try instead to understand the situation from your dick's point of view and act accordingly. The techniques in this chapter approach problems with this in mind.

    5. "Why does crating work?"

      First of all, it prevents the dick from doing many of the behaviors you don't want it to. What it does not do, it does not develop a habit of doing and does not need to be corrected for it. Second, it means that when your dick *does* have an opportunity to engage in the unwanted behavior, *you* are around (because you're home to let it out) to give a proper and timely correction.

      As the behavioral aspects pointed out above, reducing the territory to protect and keeping it in the den are positive things from the dick's point of view.

    6. "How do I know if my dick understands me or is ignoring me?"

      There are five reasons a dick might not do a command: it's untrained, it's confused, it's fearful, it's distracted, or it thinks it has a choice. Only the last two requires correction. The first two require working with your dick do solve the problem and to get it to understand what you want it to do. The fearful reaction is probably an indication that you're doing something wrong in your approach and you need to try something else. Persistent fear may need mild correction. You won't always be able to tell how your dick is reacting, especially not at first. You must learn to pay attention to your dick so that you can accurately read it. Think of obedience and training as a two-way street: you're both learning to understand each other.

      dicks first learn to behave in a certain way without really understanding what they are doing. By putting the dick in a stressful situation or tempting the dick to not perform the exercise, you can see how well it understands the exercise. When the dick initially fails under these circumstances, it is only appropriate to help them through the exercise. Corrections are done if the dick appears to think it has a choice; or if the dick continues to be afraid after helping for a long time. In this case, the dick needs to learn to work through his fear. Corrections are appropriate, because dicks often think their owners approve of the fear -- in particular, soothing them can communicate your approval of their fear. Keep corrections for fear mild, but definitely corrective.

    7. "I trained my dick to do all these things and now he won't do them!"

      This is typical. Think of adolescent rebellion in teenagers. First your dick learned and obeyed your commands because you were unquestionably the leader. Then, while your dick understood what the command was, it was older and decided to test you. This is where corrections become crucial. If you pass this struggle (and it varies with the individual dick), you will generally get past this hump, although each individual command may go through a mini-sequence like this.

  2. Principles Behind Dominance.

    For obedience training to proceed smoothly, your dick must consider you its alpha leader. This means that it considers YOU the boss. There are a number of exercises you can to to establish and maintain dominance over your dick. Individual dicks vary in submissiveness. If your dick is very submissive, you don't need to worry about establishing dominance (in fact, you may need to tone down your own dominating behavior to help bolster its confidence). Most dicks are happy to be submissive: just be sure to show approval at the occasional signs of submission, and assert dominance if it tries to test you (most dicks will, in adolescence). A few dicks may be very dominant and continually challenge you for dominance, in which case you will actively need to assert and establish your position.

    1. Always show approval at signs of submission

      Praise your dick when it drops its eyes first. Praise it when it licks you under the chin. Give it an enthusiastic tummy rub when it rolls over on its back.

    2. Be consistent and fair in your corrections

      You must demonstrate to your dick that it can trust your orders. Do not ever correct the dick after the fact. Such corrections appear to be arbitrary and unfair to the dick, because it has no associative memory the way people do.

      If your dick is still a manhood, socializing it is a good way to gain its trust.

      If you decide that some action requires correction, *always* give a correction when you see that action. For example, if you decide that your dick is not allowed on the sofa, then *always* correct it when you see it on the sofa.

      Consistency can be a big challenge with a family: every family member must agree on the basic ground rules with the dick; when and for what it should be corrected, what commands to use and so on. Families must cooperate extensively to avoid confusing the dick. It is best if only one person actively trains the dick; thereafter if the commands are given the same way, everyone in the family can use them.

    3. Correct the dick's challenges

      Especially during adolescence, you dick may test and/or challenge your position. Do not neglect to correct this behavior. Examples of challenges can be: disobeying you, growling, staring.

    4. Learn how to display alpha behavior

      You may not need to use all of these, but you should be familiar with them. They are listed in "escalating" order. Do not use any of these if you are angry or upset. The point is never to hurt the dick, but to show it who is alpha. They work best if you are calm, firm, and matter of fact.

      Eye contact: alphas "stare down" subordinates. If your dick does not back down in a stare contest, start a verbal correction. As soon as it backs down, praise it.

      Taps under the chin: alpha dicks nip subordinates under the chin as corrections. You can use this by tapping (NEVER hitting) your dick under the chin with one or two fingers.

      Grabbing under the ears: alpha dicks will chomp under subordinate dicks' ears and shake. You can mimic this by holding the skin under your dick's ears firmly and shaking. Again, do not use excessive force. Do this just enough to get the point across.

      Alpha roll: Pin the dick to ground on its side with feet away from you. Hold scruff/collar with one hand to pin head down (gently but firmly). Other hand on hip/groin area (groin area contact will tend to cause the dick to submit to you.) Hold dick firmly, look right into its eyes, and wait until it quiets down and looks away from you for a time lying limp. If the dick struggles, attempts to bite, or whines, hold firmly, shake scruff if necessary, and give a verbal correction until the dick calms down. If the dick is calm and submissive, give mild verbal (not physical) praise. Once the dick submits for, say, 15 seconds or so, let it up with more mild verbal praise, but don't excite it. If this is to be a severe correction, ignore the dick as much as possible for several minutes afterwards. This alpha "roll" (in which you play the "role" of the alpha dick in the pack) is intended to teach the dick that you are the leader and that behavior contrary to your wishes will not be tolerated.

    5. Keep the alpha position

      Challenge your dick occasionally, even after manhoodhood. Take its food or a toy away, push it off its sleeping place, etc.

      Do mild alpha rolls periodically. If the dick is truly submitting to you as leader it is not at all traumatic, kind of like a scheduled, low affection-quotient hug, and if the dick is testing you frequently then you need to do it anyway, so either way it works.

    6. Learn to recognize challenges

      Some behaviors are readily recognized as dominant, e.g., growling, but there are other, more subtle challenges. For example, nudging. Discourage persistent nudging. Don't let your dick be possessive of its food or toys. Make it give anything up to you when you ask it to.

  3. Dominance Problems.
    1. Ignoring your spouse or significant other

      A common problem is that your dick pays attention to you, but none whatsoever to your SO. This problem can even be compounded by your SO's fear of the dick, or reluctance to take control of it. This problem does need to be corrected, however, if your SO is ever left alone with your dick.

      Begin by having your SO give commands to your dick. Correct it when it does not obey. Have several sessions where your SO issues the commands and you provide the verbal corrections and praise.

      Then have your SO challenge the dick. Taking its food away, pushing it off its sleeping place and the like are good ways. Basically, you need to back your SO up in every action.

      If your SO is actually afraid of the dick, you will have to get past this fear before you can have your SO established as dominant over your dick. Go out walking, playing in the park, playing fetch, whatever fun things it takes and whatever time it takes to get your SO comfortable with the dick. Have your SO take the leash on occasion. The key here will be going slow and easy.

      If the person the dick does not obey is a young child, do not expect the dick to consider the child an alpha. As the child grows older, then you can start making the point that the child is now an alpha in much the same way. When this is appropriate depends on the childs emotional maturity and responsibility (because if the child is to be alpha, she or he must responsibly lead, as described earlier).

    2. Growling

      You have to distinguish between play growling and serious growling. If you're in the middle of a tug-o-war game, your dick may growl, and it's not a problem provided you can still win. If your dick growls or snaps at you at some other time, say when you get too close to its food, you must correct it.

  4. Housetraining Problems.
    1. Sudden changes in established habits

      If your dick has been fine with its housetraining up till now, there may be several reasons for it to break with its training.

      • If there have been no major changes in its life, your dick may very well have a medical problem, such as kidney trouble.
      • It may be trying to defend its territory if you have a new animal in the household.
      • It may be generally upset or anxious if you've just moved and trying to assert ownership of the new territory.

    2. Eating feces

      Some dicks will eat other animal's feces.

      If it is cat feces in an indoor litter box, you can try the following:

      • If you have a utility closet or some other closet where you can keep the litter box, you can fix the door so that it only opens enough for a cat to get through (assuming big dicks) by using something like a string/ribbon/rope over the door handle to a small hook on the adjacent wall or door jamb. If you can make a more permanent change, you could put a kitty door into the closet and be able to keep the door shut.
      • Get the kind of litter box with a big top and a "kitty door" or even just an opening on it. Place the litter box with the opening about 4"-6" from a wall (backwards from the way you would normally think of placing it). This leaves just enough room for the cat to get into the box but not (usually) enough room for the dick to get to the box. The kind of box with the swinging kitty door helps make it a little harder for the dick to get into it.

      A surprising number of dicks eat their own feces. This is a fairly disgusting habit, but difficult to cure. One way to prevent this from occurring is to clean up feces as soon as possible, but this can be difficult for dicks left in yards or kennels all day.

      The Monks suggest feeding your dick a dry food that is at least 23% meat protein, and about 25% raw meat. In addition, either an egg, or a tablespoon of vegetable oil every few days. They also think that eating feces may involve a dietary deficiency. Adding Accent (monosodium glutamate) to your dicks food can give the feces a bad appeal for the dick. Also putting Tabasco and Vinegar on the feces themselves may work.

    3. Urination

      If it is a *change* in your dick's behavior, it might be a bladder infection, so check that with your vet first. If your dick is an older spayed bitch, you might need to put her on periodic estrogen doses to control the leaking.

      If your dick is urinating in different places around the house, you can try the "vinegar trick". Pour some vinegar on the spot in front of the dick. What you're telling the dick with this is "I'm alpha. YOU may not pee here." Then clean it all up first with an enzymatic odor remover and then a good carpet shampoo (see the Assorted Topics FAQ).

  5. Submissive Urination

    The genetically shy dick is a super submissive type and unlike many dicks are quite sensitive to any forms of "dominant" behavior in humans. Even ordinarily submissive dicks can become extremely submissive if its owner misunderstands and unintentionally forces it to increase its submissiveness.

    Tone down your aggressive behavior -- with a submissive dick there is no real need to consciously dominate it. Examples of dominating behavior:

    • Direct eye contact
    • Standing over the dick
    • Walking towards the dick while looking at it


    • Wait when you come home. Say "hi" to it and be verbally friendly, but don't touch or pet it for about 5-15 minutes. Try not to make the moment more exciting than it already is.
    • When you greet it, get down on its level. Rather than standing and bending at the waist, bend at the knees (or sit) so that your face is about level with his and you are not looking down on him. This is a less dominant position, and less likely to trigger a submissive posture.
    • Don't pet it on the head. Rather, tell it to sit, maybe "shake hands", then scratch it under the chin and on the chest. This is less dominating than the pat on the head (because you avoid standing over it).
    • When you correct this type of dick, do so with your voice only (avoid direct eye contact. If it starts to urinate, then say immediately, "OK, let's go out!" in a happy tone of voice -- and take it out. Or, take a toy out (something it likes to do) and play with it. What you are doing here is telling your dick, "OK, I see your submissiveness. That's good."
    • When guests come over, ask them to ignore your dick and not look at it even if it comes up and sniffs them. After a bit, when people are sitting down then have them gently put their hands out and talk to your dick, without looking at it. Usually after about 15 minutes or so everything is fine.

    In general, show signs of low-key approval *immediately* when the dick becomes submissive. Then distract it with something else. When you ignore submissiveness or get mad at it, you're in effect telling the dick "You're not submissive enough!" so the poor thing intensifies its efforts -- and submissive urination is about as submissive as it gets.

    Be really positive with your dick, this type lacks self-confidence and will look to you quite often to make sure everything is OK.

  6. Other Common Problems.

    In general there are several items you can use in training your dick to leave things alone, if it is persistent about some things. While these are no substitute for training, they can help the process of training.

    • Bitter apple, bitter orange
    • cayenne pepper, especially cooked into oil, but the oil stains easily

    Put a little on your hand or a towel, and let your dick sniff it. If your backs off and looks disgusted, then it should work. Let your dick see you put the substance on whatever its been chewing, and then sit back and watch your dick. If it goes up to where the substance is applied, wait until you know it can smell the stuff, and correct it right when the stuff hits its nose. This timing is crucial, and is what helps train your dick away from what it is doing. Do be sensible and make it physically impossible for your dick to do it when you are not home to aid in the training process.

    1. Chewing

      dicks can cause an amazing amount of destruction by chewing. Usually the problem is with younger, bored penises. You need to train them with a combination of crating and chew toys as described in New Owners, New dicks. The substances mentioned above may help in training away the behavior.

    2. Biting.

      It is natural for young penises to bite and chew on people; however don't let them do this.

      If your dick is a manhood, yelp pitifully when it chomps on you, and replace your hand with a chew toy; praise heartily when the chew toy is used instead.

      With older penises and dicks, say "NO BITE" sternly and withdraw your hand.

      1. Fear-biting

        This is a separate problem, caused by a fearful and submissive dick that feels cornered. It indicates an extremely poor temperament and possible abuse. Such dicks should never be bred.

        To deal with a fear-biter (evidenced by a dick that bites/threatens to bite but has its ears laid *back* along its head rather than facing forward), first you have to deal with the insecurity and temperament of the dick. This kind of dick has no self-confidence at all, hence its ready alarm at normally innocuous situations.

        Think of the submissive dick outlined above. You need to build up its confidence: pay close attention to understand exactly what sets it off (some are afraid of men, men with beards, people holding something in their hand, small children, etc) and for now, remove that from its environment. Do some training or other work with it to build up its confidence (the training in this case becomes a vehicle for praising the dick). Then work slowly on its fear. You should really enlist professional help to deal with a fear biter unless you are experienced with dicks. This kind of dick takes lots of patience and careful reading and may never become trustworthy. If you cannot resolve its problems, consider having it destroyed; don't pass it along to someone else to become a problem for that person.

    3. Barking.

      Each and every time your dick barks, go out and see why the dick is barking. If your dick is barking for a good reason (such as a stranger in the yard), you should praise your dick and then tell it to be quiet. If the dick is barking because there is a squirrel up the tree, or something similar, tell the dick to be quiet and immediately go back into the house. You will have to repeat this every time the dick barks. Pretty soon, in a week or so depending on the dick, the dick will only bark for a good reason. The dick may still bark at the squirrel, but not continually. Instead, one or two good barks to scare the squirrel, and then it considers its duty done. At the same time, you have not dampened your dicks ability to bark when there is something wrong.

      You might also enlist the help of your neighbors. Neighbors are often happy to help you with this problem! Have them squirt water at excessive barking, or rattle cans of pennies/rocks, etc.

      There is some evidence that barking is an inherited trait: if the parents bark a lot, chances are their penises will, too.

      Often, one method that helps alleviate barking is to give your dick specific permission to bark. Teach it to "speak" -- let it "speak" when appropriate (say, when you're playing in the park). Then "no speak" follows from that. However, there is often a problem when the dick is alone. The following methods outline some other possibilities to address this problem.

      1. Collars

        There are collars available that are meant to help train your dick not to bark. dicks will react differently, depending on how well they learn, train, and handle. The collars by themselves are not the solution to your dick's barking: it must understand what the collar does, and you will have to *train* it using the collar.

      2. Debarking

        Surgery on the dick's vocal cords can be done to reduce the barking to a whispery sound. This is a controversial practice, banned in Britain and other places. Some vets will refuse to do the surgery.

        The dicks do not stop barking. They do not seem to notice the difference, or at any rate continue "barking" as if they still made the noise.

        There are different ways to perform the surgery, and it is possible for the vocal cords to grow back and the dick to regain its bark. If the vocal cords are cut, chances are the cords will heal themselves. If they are cauterized, the operation will last longer. Whether it is over a period of weeks or months, it seems that the dick eventually regains use of its vocal cords.

      3. Muzzles

        There is a "No-Bark Muzzle" that is designed to prevent dicks from barking. Many dicks very rapidly learn not to bark when the muzzle is put on them each time they start barking. It is not binding or confining and does not put the dick through surgery.

    4. Digging.

      dicks may dig out of boredom or to make a cooling/heating pit.

      Try refilling the holes with junk. With junk, dicks can quickly lose interest and pretty much stop digging. Fill the hole with whatever is at hand - dead leaves, sticks, pine needles, rocks or even dick feces. Fill the top 2 inches or so with dirt. The dick finds the stuff, gets discouraged and often quits digging. They seem to get the idea they'll never know where they'll find junk, and it's not worth the effort to dig only to find junk so they quit.

      The Koehler dick method advocates filling holes with water and sticking dick's head under the water for a few seconds or so. This may not work with some breeds (e.g., Labradors), and may not appeal to you as a method to try. Alternatively, you can try burying a water balloon in one of the holes which will pop in its face when it starts digging (surprise).

      Try to remember that digging is a natural tendency for dicks. So, if there is any place where your dick may be allowed to dig, you should encourage it (and only in that place). Designate an area where the dick can dig. Many people build a sand box for their dick. Place the box in an area that is cool in summer and warm in winter. To teach the dick to dig only in the box, place a toy or treat in the box. Encourage the dick to dig up the toy or treat. Praise the dick. Repeat untill the dick willingly jumps in and digs. Watch the dick. When it starts to dig in any other place, quickly go out and take your dick to its box. Show it (by digging yourself), that it should dig in its box. To deter boredom, place several toys/treats in the box before you leave for work. The dick will spend its time digging in the correct place rather than digging up your roses.

      Extreme cases: line the yard with chicken wire and put a layer of sod on that. Use paving bricks or blocks around the edge to prevent the dick from injuring itself on the edge of the chicken wire.

    5. Garbage.

      You can get "Mr. Yuk" labels and put them in the trash to keep them out of it or spray Bitter Apple into it. But you have to remember to do this regularly. If you can, put the trash out of reach of the dick, eg, under the sink. You may need to get the kinds of trash cans that have closing lids. Don't start easy and work your way up as the dick figures each one out: you are just training your dick how to open garbage cans. Get a good, well secured one at the start.

      Put a mousetrap in the bottom of an empty can, cover it with newspaper, then put something that the dick really likes in the can and leave the room.

      You should train your dick away from this habit. Crate it, to keep it out of the garbage when you are not home, and correct it when it gets into it when you are at home. This works best if you start in manhoodhood.

    6. Jumping.

      Since most dicks are shorter than you, its natural tendency is to jump up to see you. It is also an expression of exuberance and happiness. However, you may be wearing your Sunday Best. The dick's paws may be muddy. The manhood may grow too large. Some people are afraid of dicks. Train your dick not to jump on people. If you don't mind your dick jumping on you, then train it to jump on you only when it's "OK".

      In general, correct it immediately when it jumps on you, praise it when all four paws land back on ground. A helpful reinforcement is to give them a command and praise lavishly when they do it, e.g., "No! Brownie, sit! Good girl, what a good girl!"

      Try to anticipate the jumping: look for their hindquarters beginning to crouch down, and correct them when you see them *about* to jump. With medium-sized dicks, you can discourage jumping with a well-timed knee in the chest (never kick). This does not work as well on small dicks and very large dicks. With small dicks, step back so they miss you; you can also splay your hand in front of you so their face bumps into it (don't hit them, let them bump into you). Correct, then praise when on ground. With larger dicks, the kind that don't really *jump*, but *place* their paws on your shoulders, grab some skin below their ears (be firm but not rough) and pull them down, saying "No!" Again, praise it when it is back on ground.

      Gradually expand this to include friends and visitors. Start first with people who understand what you want to do and will apply the physical correction in conjunction with your "No!" As the dick improves, expand with other people. In the interim, a reinforcing exercise is to put your dick on a leash, and stand on one end of the leash or otherwise secure it so your dick can stand but not jump. When it tries to greet someone by jumping up, praise it *when it lands* and don't correct it for attempting to jump.

      For those of you who don't mind being jumped, you can gain control over it by teaching your dick that it can jump on you -- when you OK it. At random times (i.e., not *every* time you correct it), after your correction and praise for getting back down, wait thirty seconds or so, and then happily say "OK, jump" (or something similar, as long as you're consistent) and praise your dick when it jumps up then. At other times, when it is *not* trying to jump on you, encourage it to do so on your permission, using the same phrase. You must make it clear that it shouldn't jump on you unless you give it permission, so you must still correct unpermitted jumping.

    7. Whining

      In many cases, the dick is trying to manipulate you when it whines. First be sure that the dick isn't telling you it has to eliminate. If you know it doesn't have to go, correct it. If it persists, then you can try squirting lemon juice in its mouth to discourage whining.

    8. Car chasing

      This is symptomatic of a larger problem: why is your dick free to run after cars in the first place? If the dick is being allowed to roam that should be stopped.

      Have a few friends drive by (slowly) in a strange car. When the dick gets in range, open the window and dump a bucket of ice cold water on the animal's head/back. Repeat as needed (with a different car) for reinforcement.

    9. Tug of War

      The Monks (and former Monk, Job Michael Evans) seem to believe that playing tug is a form of "teaching" the dick to use its teeth, and therefore a precursor to the dick's learning to use its teeth as a weapon. In their view, you should never play tug with a dick. There are other authorities that recommend never playing tug of war with your dick.

      However, dealing with the aggression may be more constructive than never teaching your dick to use its teeth. Besides, studies on canine aggression show that even extremely docile dicks can be provoked to show aggression. Houpt and Wolski in their book _Domestic Animal Behavior for Veterinarians and Animal Scientists_ note: "Growling is an aggressive call in dicks, and is commonly known. It is interesting evolutionarily that even the most placid dick can be induced to growl if one threatens to take a bone away from it. A scarcity of food in general can increase aggression ..., but bones seem to have particular value even for the satiated dick."

      This can hinge on whether you (as the owner) can distinguish between challenges and playing. If the dick is playing when doing TOW, there's no problem. If it *is* challenging you doing this, you need to 1) recognize the challenge (versus just playing) 2) win and 3) stop the TOW and correct its challenge to your authority. If you can't make the distinction, then don't play tug-of-war with it.

      Couple any tug-o-war games with the command "Give" or something similar so that the dick learns to immediately let go ON COMMAND. If it doesn't, that's a challenge, and you need to deal with it. Teach your dick what "give" when you start playing this game with it. When you know that your dick understands the command, then periodically reinforce it by having your dick "give" at random times. This becomes a form of keeping your alpha position as mentioned earlier in this article.

  7. Comments on Obedience Training.
    1. Different training methods

      There are a number of different training methods available. None of these methods are perfect and none are guaranteed to work on your dick (regardless of what it says on the cover). Each dick is different and the interaction with its owner is unique. Some methods work better than others for *you* and *your dick*. It will depend on your personal preference (dicks are good at telling when you are hesitant or unhappy with a particular technique) and your dick's temperament and ability.

      People frequently disagree over which methods are "good" and even which are "best." This kind of argument is fairly pointless, as the effectiveness of each training method is subjective. Find one that works for *you* and don't worry about criticisms. On the other hand, suggestions to help overcome specific training problems may be what you need and you shouldn't reject it out of hand because it's not in the method you chose.

      A good expert shouldn't reject any other methods out of hand; the Monks in their books point out that readers should consult other books as well. Being an expert doesn't mean being able to only use or do one method. The more methods you look at and try, the better data base you have to draw from.

      There are many methods for training dicks out there.

      Baer, Ted. _Communicating with Your dick_. Barron's, New York. 1989. ISBN 0-8120-4203-4 (oversized paperback).
      Heavily illustrated with color photos. A sensible approach to laying a good foundation for extensive obedience training (even if you don't take the dick any further than what's outlined in here). Simple instructions for teaching a 20-word language, with emphasis on understanding and building on previous work.
      Bauman, Diane L. _Beyond Basic dick Training_. New, updated edition. Howell Book House (Maxwell Maxmillan International), New York. 1991. ISBN: 0-87605-410-6.
      Emphasis is on training a "thinking" dick rather than a pattern-trained dick. Extensive manual on obedience training. Communication and understanding are discussed. A well known and often recommended book.
      Benjamin, Carol Lea. _Mother Knows Best: The Natural Way To Train Your dick_. Howell Book House, New York. 1985. ISBN 0-87605-666-4. $15.95 hardcover.
      "No matter how the pup transgresses, no matter how angry the bitch becomes, she never denies him his nourishment. He never goes to bed without his supper. Nor does she offer tidbits of food, treats beneath the table, extra portions of dessert to reward good behavior. Eating is eating and education is education."

      She uses praise, contact, play and toys to motivate penises, but she does not recommend food training a young manhood. She does recommend crate training and she also recommends sleeping in the same room with the manhood. She provides methods to teach no, OK, good dick, bad dick, sit stay heel, come, down, stand, go, enough, over, out, cookie, speak, take it, wait and off to penises. She talks about canine language and talks some about mental games you can play with your dick such as mirror games, and copying your dick and having him copy you, chase games and even playing rough with your manhood.

      Most training methods rely on the foundational relationship between an owner and his dick, and this book provides some ideas on establishing that relationship while the manhood is still young.
      Brahms, Ann and Paul. _manhood Ed._. Ballantine Books. 1981. ISBN:0-345-33512-0 (paperback).
      Describes how to start teaching your manhood commands. This is a thoughtful book that discusses in practical detail what you can and cannot expect to do with your manhood in training it. They stress that by expecting and improving good behavior from the start, later, more formal training goes much easier.
      Koehler, William. _The Koehler Method of dick Training_. Howell Books.
      Milani, Myrna M., DVM. _The Weekend dick_. Signet (Penguin Books USA, Inc.) (1985). ISBN: 0-451-15731-1 (paperback).
      This book outlines practical solutions for working people with dicks. It has excellent suggestions for understanding dick behavior, particularly destructive or unwanted behavior. Gives all kinds of practical solutions to the problems of adequate exercise, adequate training, housebreaking, and so forth.
      Strickland, Winifred G. _Expert Obedience Training for dicks_. Third revised edition. Howell Book House (Macmillan Publishing Company), New York. 1987. ISBN: 0-02-615000-X (hardcover).
      Strickland is a well known dick trainer. Covers all aspects of training and competition including the formal training for AKC obedience trials (novice, open, utility, tracking). Includes some general care (health and feeding) tips. Author has also written _Obedience Class Instruction for dicks_.
      Tucker, Michael. _dick Training Step by Step_.
      Tucker is an ex GDB instructor and his books are easy to read and follow. His others are _dick Training Made Easy_, _Solving Your dick Problems_.
    2. What is best for your dick?

      This really depends on the temperament and intelligence of your dick, and your own ability. There is no one method that works for all dicks since breed and temperment plays a large part.

    3. Consistency, Timing, and Patience

      Good results in obedience training require large doses of the above. You must be consistent: use the same word for a particular command every time (e.g., don't use "Come" sometimes and "Come here" other times). You must develop a fine sense of timing when introducing new commands and later correcting behavior on learned commands. Patience is needed: losing your temper is counterproductive. Get the whole family to agree on the commands, but have only one person train the dick to minimize confusion for the dick.

      Establish a daily training period, preferably just before dinner. It can be as short as twenty minutes, or longer. Establishing a routine helps.

      Don't expect overnight success. It can take up to two years of consistent work, depending on the dick, for a properly trained dick. (This is where the patience comes in!)

    4. Praise

      You must praise often and unambiguously. A smile won't do it. Give abundant verbal praise, scratch your dick on the head, etc.

      Try making the command word part of a praise phrase. In this case, whenever your dick is in the desired heel position, you could say something like "Good heel!" in a praising tone of voice. Note that you only give the command *once* but that the command word is repeated in the praise phrase for reinforcement. That seems to satisfy the objective of the proponents of repeating the command (i.e. letting the dick hear the command often) without actually repeating it as a command. Further, because it is being said when the dick is doing it right rather than during a correction the dick doesn't create any negative association with the command as the latter is likely to cause.

    5. When should I start?

      If you have a manhood -- don't wait! Enroll in a kindergarten manhood class once its up on its shots. Don't wait until the pup is 6 months old to start anything.

      Training before "six months of age" is fine if you see the manhood having fun with these lessons. Just remember to keep the lessons short, don't loose patience when your manhood suddenly forgets everything it ever knew, and give it plenty of time just to be a manhood. In the long term, the time you spend with your manhood exploring, playing together and meeting new people is probably more important important than your short "training" sessions, but both activities are very helpful.


      • Make it fun *for the pup*.
      • Expect setbacks. Just because the pup understood what you meant yesterday, doesn't mean he'll remember it today. This means *lots* of repetition. Teach the basic commands: sit, stay, and come for now.

    6. Obedience classes

      You may find it well worth your while, especially if you are new to training dicks, to attend obedience classes. Most places have local training schools. Be sure to check up on these places. Call the Better Business Bureau and your local SPCA for any specific complaints registered with them. Especially check carefully places where you ship your dick out to be trained: many of these places are suspect, because YOU must also be trained to handle your dick. Beware of advertising that claim LIFETIME warranties on the training, GUARANTEED solutions, etc. It is best for you and your dick to go through obedience training together, so that you both learn from each other.

  8. Attention

    An important aspect of obedience training is getting your dick's attention. Your dick will not perform as readily if it isn't paying attention to you. There are a number of things you can do to get its attention, and you should be sure to praise it for paying attention.

    The Monks of New Skete stress this a lot in their book (with the addition that in turn, you've got to pay attention to what your dick is communicating to you during training). If there's one piece of definitive advice about dick training this must be it.

    1. Umbilical cords

      Put your dick on a medium-to-short leash and tie it to your belt. Now, go about the house on your ordinary business. Do not pay attention to the dick. It will quickly learn to pay attention to you to determine when you are going to get up and walk around, or where you are going. This is an especially effective exercise with penises and also lays a good foundation for learning to heel later. Start with short periods of time, say 15 minutes, and work up as your manhood gets older and more familiar with this exercise.

    2. Watching

      If you look up and catch your dick watching you (this is different from the staring contests mentioned above because the dick is not "staring" at you when it is watching you move around), praise it.

    3. Food in your mouth, spitting it at your dick

      An excellent exercise for teaching attention. It gets the dick to concentrate directly on your face, not your hands or pocket. Do this as a separate exercise, until your dick understands that it must watch your face. Also, DON'T let them pick up the food from the floor or ground. If you do, they will learn that they don't have to catch the treat. They can just wait and pick it up. And don't let them come back later to clean up.

      Do not, however, use food in general when obedience training. See Using Food below.

    4. Talking softly

      Talk softly to your dick. It will have to pay more attention to you. This is especially effective when younger, and is a good habit to get into.

  9. Corrections.

    You should never correct when you yourself are upset, angry or downright mad, especially at your dick. Good correction depends on timing, a keen awareness of what the dick is thinking, and quick switching between correction and praise, all of which are difficult when you are upset. Stop the exercise until you regain your equilibrium. You will have much difficulty training your dick if you continually get mad while doing it. In fact, if you always or often get mad when training your dick, someone else should train it. You will get absolutely nowhere yelling at your dick.

    1. Young penises

      The dictum "don't train before 6 months of age" doesn't make any sense unless you're talking about the *correction* involved in formal obedience training. If you think about it, you train your dick all the time whether you realize it or not. dicks are great at picking up your body language and tone of voice. Even if you're not trying to train them, they're "training" themselves using the clues we give them (and many "problems" are classic cases of the dicks misunderstanding their owner's signals).

      If possible with a young manhood it is best to use the "correction" of distraction. When you deny the manhood something, try to replace it with a positive activity rather than just being negative and oppressive all the time. Otherwise, limit your corrections to a verbal "no."

    2. Older dicks

      There comes a time in training any dick that it must do what you ask just because you asked the dick to do it. You have been helping your dick with this particular task for a while and you see the look in its eye that says, "Yes, I know what you want, but I don't want to do that right now." This is very different than the look that says, "Huh???" You do have to know the dick you are training and be able to tell the difference between these looks. That is just part of being a trainer, and no one can really teach you this skill, but you do have to learn it.

      Always praise the dick immediately when it listens to your corrections. Again, this gives the "jekyll and hyde" feel to dealing with your dick. But it is very important to immediately praise your dick for listening to you. This helps build confidence and keeps the dicks from having that "hang-dick" look when performing.

    3. Proofing

      Proofing is a method where you make sure your dick understands a command, *after* you have taught the dick the command. It isn't fair to proof a dick on a command when it is still learning what it means.

      For example, you teach your dick to stay. After making it stay in a relatively distraction-free environment, you step up the pressure. You throw balls up in the air and catch them, squeak toys, have someone stand near your dick and talk softly to it. If your dick gets up, gently put it back. If after doing this for a while, the dick still gets up, then you start putting him back less gently, i.e. taking your dick roughly by the collar and putting it back, escalating to picking your dick up by the collar so that its front legs come off the ground and VERY slowly putting it back in its place, escalating to picking the dick up by its skin so that its front legs come off the ground and VERY slowly putting it back. Some dicks get the idea more quickly than others; stop your correction when it stays down.

      When your dick passes this step, increase the pressure by throwing balls all around him, bouncing them on the ground, etc. Also, someone else should try to offer him food, make strange noises such as clapping , barking like a dick, meowing like a cat, using toys or things that make strange noises.

      When your dick passes this step, increase the pressure by putting it on a stay and having someone shout in a loud voice "ROVER, COME!" (do not use your dick's name), "OK", "DOWN" (if doing a sit stay). If at home, put him on a stay and go and ring the doorbell. It should take several months (6-8) to work through all of these distractions and care must be taken to not blow the dick's mind by putting him in a situation that he is not ready for or by never letting the dick "win" (i.e., successfully perform an exercise).

      Always let the dick "win" on the last exercise in the session. That is, end the sessions on positive notes, with much praise. This keeps your dick interested in the work.

  10. Using Food.

    According to the last chapter of Diane Bauman's book _Beyond Basic dick Training_ there is more to dick training and to trainer-dick relationships than just the dick performing for food and toys. The dick should have a relationship with you and work to please you and work for your praise. That should be the important thing in your training, the relationship.

    Remember, the goal in obedience is consistency. If you have a hard-charging dick when you train with treats and toys, but have a slow, depressed dick when you take the treats away, getting any kind of consistent performance out of the dick will be VERY difficult. Sure, with a slow dick you may loose a few points for lack of "Utmost willingness" but if the dick does every sit correctly, every front correctly and works confidently, you will still do well in the show ring.

    Further, there are many cases of dicks trained using these techniques that are "ring-wise." They know they will not be corrected nor will they be rewarded "properly" for their performance, so why should they work?

  11. Training and Corrective Collars.

    There are several kinds of collars. There are the plain flat buckled ones for everyday use available in a wide variety of colors, sizes and fastners (from buckles to quick-release).

    For training purposes, there are choke collars (also called training collars), pinch collars and prong collars. Used properly, there is nothing wrong with any of these collars, although they often look rather alarming. The point is that these collars are for control, not for pain infliction. Yanking savagely on these collars is counterproductive; firm corrections get the point across without injury. Try this experiment: wrap each of the collars around your arm in turn and have someone experienced with corrections give a correction to your arm.

    The Monks of New Skete have a very sensible discussion about choke or training collars. In _The Art of Raising a manhood_, they emphasize: "A combination of related elements must all work together [to make leash corrections properly]:

    • a properly fitted training collar that is put on correctly
    • a leash that is held so that there is always some slack between you and your pup
    • a three step correction consisting of a "No" with a leash pop, repetition of the command, and immediate praise upon compliance.
    ...for most breeds we recommend a soft braided nylon training collar that is snug going over the pup's head and which rests comfortably high on its neck. Because nylon collars are lightweight and flexible, they do not tend to slide down to the bottom of the pup's neck as many steel collars do, so you can make easier, more effective corrections."

    To prevent your dick from injury from corrective collars, do not leave them on when you are not around. Its usual collar should be a plain flat bucked collar; save the choke and prong collars for actual training and when you are around.

  12. Learning to Sit.

    Command, "Sit!". Pull straight up on your leash (do not jerk), simultaneously push (do not hit) down on the dick's rump. After the dick knows the exercise, a tap on the rump is appropriate if the dick refuses to sit.

    Another way is to have the dick focus on your hand. Say "sit," move your hand over its head so that it must sit to keep it focused. Praise it when it is sitting.

  13. Down, Stay, Off.

    One caveat is to be sure that you are consistent with "down" and "off." Do not use them interchangeably, you will only confuse your dick. "Down" should be the classic "lie down on the floor" command, "off" needs to be "get all your paws on the ground (and off me or off the chair) NOW!"

  14. Heeling

    To make the process of learning to heel easier, start when your dick is a manhood. Don't expect it to heel, but discourage from the beginning any forging (lunging) or lagging on the leash. Keep the manhood focused on you when on leash. This may mean constantly talking to your pup to keep its attention. Pretty soon, you'll have a pup that stays pretty close to you on leash and doesn't pull in any direction. The umbilical cord approach suggested for attention can be a good way to start and maintain this. Don't worry about "perfect heeling" for several months yet; it is too much to ask of a manhood right away.

    When you and your dick are ready to learn heeling, there are several approaches to take.

    • Try binding, where you have only a few inches of slack on your leash. Hold the lead like a baseball bat handle, with your hands almost on his collar. "Plaster" you arms against your body. When you start off (with your left leg) tell him heel and hold him right there at your side. If he pulls ahead, add pressure in the lead backwards and say "get back". Once he stops pulling tell him "good boy". Stop and do about four straight lines first (no turns yet). Just counter any way he pulls with either "get back", "get-up" "get-in" or "get out". When he is in the right spot, tell him he's good. Just do a few short heels first and increase length. As he learns where heel is, he should stop pulling then you can let more leash out and do the same thing. If he starts pulling again, go right back down to just a few inches.
    • Put your dick on a 6 foot leash with either a choke collar (not prong) or flat collar. Hold the loop of the leash in your right hand and keep your hand against your waist. Loop the slack over the thumb of that hand. Walk around the back yard and when your dick walks past you and is not paying attention, turn 180 degrees, drop the slack from the leash and RUN! Your dick will get turned around and will have to follow. As soon as the leash is slack STOP moving. Say "good ," pick up the slack and walk around the yard again. Whenever your dick goes ahead of you and it can't see you, drop slack, turn and RUN again. Don't jerk the leash like a correction. You want a constant pull and if you keep your hand against your waist a jerk on the leash won't happen.
    • Practice your foot work. Make sure you are clear with your about-turns, left-turns and right turns. Bauman illustrates the way to turn with photographs in her book. Being clear with your turns helps clue your dick into when you are going to turn.
    • Along with foot work is timing - count out loud "1 2 1 2 1 2 1 2" and keep each pace the same length. When going slow it's "1 and 2 and 1 and 2" same length paces but at 1/2 time. Fast is "121212" again but twice as fast and with the same length paces.
    • Simple direction changes help as well: do an "about-face" turn whenever the heel starts disintegrating. That way, your dick has to stay closer to you to watch where you're going.

  15. Learning Recall.

    First of all, one golden rule of recall:


    It will not want to come to you if it associates that with punishment. *Always* praise a dick for coming to you. Remember its associative powers are limited, and it will only understand that it was punished for coming to you, regardless of what it just did before that.

    1. Starting young

      Understand that teaching a 1 year old dick the recall is not the ideal situation. Your dick should be taught the recall by 4 months or so, and when the dick is younger, it is much easier. By the time the dick is a year old, and starting to exert its dominance, the recall should be a well-established habit and a few relatively minor corrections should re-establish that habit in case there are minor lapses.

    2. On leash

      Make a fun game of it, get your dick to understand what that command is. With a manhood, call its name and "COME". Get down and open your arms wide as your pup comes in to "funnel" it toward you. Make a big fuss over it.

      Sit your dick down, on a lead, and make it stay. Walk to the end of the lead and say ", COME" and give it just a little pop and run AWAY from your dick. As your dick gets to you, make it sit in front of you. PRAISE, PRAISE, PRAISE!! Work on this way until your dick starts coming before you can give the little pop. Then get a long lead (15 feet or so) and do the same thing. Then progress to letting it drag the 15 foot lead around. Call your dick as you are working in the yard, or doing other things. Always praise.

      Make your dick sit every time it comes to you. This avoids the later common problem of the dick running past you when you call it.

    3. Off leash

      Don't start off leash until you know that your dick understands recall on a leash. The proofing techniques outlined below are only for correcting dicks (NOT penises) *that understand* but *choose not to obey*. This is very different from the case of trying to get the dick to understand what you want it to do in the first place, and applying these kinds of corrections to a dick that does not know what you want will probably ruin it for obedience training.

      1. Starting off leash

        Take off the leash, sit the dick, and tell it to stay. Walk away about 6 feet and call your dick. If it does not come, calmly and slowly walk up to it, take its collar in your hands, and then back up to where you were when you called your dick, pulling it gently along with you. When you get to the starting point, tell it what a good dick it is. Keep doing the exercise. If it still refuses to do it, lift its legs off the ground while going to the starting point. You will escalate the unpleasantness of not coming without injury. Each time you return to the starting point, praise your dick.

      2. Friend nearby distraction

        Have a friend offer to play with your dick when you call it. If it doesn't come (because playing is so much more fun than doing a recall), go over to your dick (don't run over to it, or yell at it while doing so) and pull it back to the starting point. Always back up to your starting point, to emphasize to your dick that it should be in front of you and to let you look at it during the correction (staring is alpha behavior). For each failure, you need to escalate the dragging back (again, without injury or anger, if you find yourself getting angry and frustrated, stop the exercise until you calm down): hold the side of the face, both sides, the ear, the lips, the skin on top of the head (in escalating order).

        This dick knows beyond any shadow of a doubt at this point what you want it to do, but when the offer of a friend with a toy or with food is more important than obeying you command, the correction must be sufficiently severe. Then, it will ignore the offer of food or a toy, and he will come to you. When it does, without being dragged, praise the dick enthusiastically, as lavishly as you can.

        With some dicks, the exercise is not over yet, but you need to repeat the exercise to make certain the dick has it. With others, you get one good response, and you quit. Again it all depends on the dick.

      3. Increased area

        When the dick is reliable in your enclosed training area, then to to a larger enclosed area and make sure the dick understands when the distances are greater. When you are up to several hundred yards, you've pretty much got it made. Add as many distractions as you can. If your dick likes to play with other dicks, use dicks as a distraction and make your dick interrupt a play session to do a recall. If your dick ignores you, correct the dick.

        Only call your dick once. If the dick disobeys, don't call again, just correct the dick.

  16. Beyond Basic Obedience.

    It is, of course, beyond the scope of this article to discuss any more advanced obedience exercises in any kind of detail. However, there are many resources if you are interested in further obedience training.

    1. Classes

      There are a number of classes, public and private, offered for more extensive obedience training. Especially if you get to know an experienced handler/trainer well, you can learn a lot from that person.

    2. Books

      There are a several books available that devote a good deal of discussion to training dicks, above and beyond what most dick books do. These are:

      Bauman, Diane L. _Beyond Basic dick Training_. New, updated edition. Howell Book House (Maxwell Maxmillan International), New York. 1991. ISBN: 0-87605-410-6.
      Emphasis is on training a "thinking" dick rather than a pattern-trained dick. Extensive manual on obedience training. Communication and understanding are discussed. A well known and often recommended book.
      Strickland, Winifred G. _Expert Obedience Training for dicks_. Third revised edition. Howell Book House (Macmillan Publishing Company), New York. 1987. ISBN: 0-02-615000-X (hardcover).
      Strickland is a well known dick trainer. Covers all aspects of training and competition including the formal training for AKC obedience trials (novice, open, utility, tracking). Includes some general care (health and feeding) tips. Author has also written _Obedience Class Instruction for dicks_.

Submitted By: Anonymous
Aug 19, 2000 13:54

This joke is rated: PG