Rainforest?! When the hell did it become the rainforest? When I was a little kid it was called the jungle, a place where it's dark and scary and snakes are crawling everywhere and there's large spiders that bite you and, if you don't find an antidote for its poison in five minutes, your heart will explode. Now it's the rainforest, a happy place of butterflies with smiling little elves running around.

And when did swamps become wetlands? They used to be damp, muddy places you wanted to get rid of, and now they're beautiful habitats of endangered wildlife. Hell, they'll probably invent a euphemism for deserts soon, maybe the "dry land", and they'll halt industrial encroachment to save some stupid desert snail or kangaroo rat. Like deserts animals will ever do us any good; they're always out there in desert for pete's sake!

First of all, I think we should nuke the stupid rainforest (that'll dry it up) so all those enviro-mental-cases will stop their high frequency whining about its gradual destruction. Second of all, well... I don't have a second of all, other than maybe making some big international summit on enviromentalism, maybe have France host it, so all the enviromentalists will gather in one place so we take 'em out with one nuke. See how many uses I can think of nuclear weapons, but we haven't even used any yet.

Well back to the subject of "rainforests," what the hell do we need them for anyways? Did you say because there might be some undiscovered medical cures in its varied plant and animal life? Boy do I wish there was a way I could program this message so a lightning bolt could shoot out of the screen at you. If God decided to hide some cure to cancer way out in the middle of the stink'n jungle, then you can tell He doesn't like us very much so we don't stand much of a chance regardless.

The other argument people seem to bring up before their idiocy thrusts me into a violent rage is that rainforests are "the lungs of the planet". Let me clue you in: we could agent orange all the rainforests, and we here in America would never know. We already have tons of trees and plants here to give us oxygen; hell, we got too many trees. They're actually a hazard; if you ever accidentally run off a road, you're likely to hit a tree.

So if one of those little South American countries ends up destroying all their trees and then suffocating, well, screw them. We never needed them anyways. Actually that might be good for the economy because then we could sell them our excess oxygen. Think of the slogans we could have: "Oxygen Co.: Buy or die." So I guess now my nuking the rainforest idea not only will get the environmentalists to shut up, but it also has economic potential.

They really should put me in charge of stuff like this. But wait, you can just do harsh things like that, the Earth is fragile! Hey, did I just hear a whine? The Earth is not fragile. Go outside, jump up and down as hard as you can, and the Earth will not fracture in two. The Earth is the complete opposite of fragile. It is a giant rock floating in space. Comets can ram into it at thousands of miles per hour and it will still survive. So burn down those forests, deep fry those endangered species, find the most fuel inefficient car you can, and let the nukes fall like rain drops, 'cause we know the earth will still be here long after so that we can exploit it for our own purposes; and, dammit, that's the American way.

-George Carlin