"Thank you for calling the White House. You have reached the White House voice mail system. No one is available to take your call at this time because the entire administration is out to lunch. Please follow these instructions carefully to leave your message. When you are finished, don't hang up until the FBI finishes tracing the call. Have a nice day.

"If you are male and would like to leave a message for the president, press 9.

"If you are female and would like to leave a message for the president, press M-O-T-E-L-6.

"To leave a message for Mrs. Clinton, press N-O-W."

"If you are male and would like to leave a message for Chelsea, press N-O-W-A-Y.

"To leave a message for Buddy, press D-O-G.

"To leave a message for Socks, press D-O-G-F-O-O-D.

"To leave a message for Roger Clinton, press A-A.

"If you are from Arkansas, ask the next person who walks by to show you which button has a 2 on it and then press it.

"If you are calling with a question about affirmative action, press 3 and step to the back of the phone booth.

"If you are calling to arrange a night in the Lincoln bedroom, press D-O-L-L-A-R.

"If you are calling to arrange a White House coffee, press Y-E-N.

"If you are calling leave a message for Janet Reno, press W-A-C-O.

"To leave a message for the president's advisor on women's rights, press O-J.

"To leave a message for Steven Speilberg to give to Barney Frank, press E-T-P-H-O-N-E-H-O-M-E.

"To leave a message for a member of Congress, press B-I-G-D-O-N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

"To leave a message for the Gore 2000 campaign, press H-O-P-E-L-E-S-S.

"To speak to an operator, press 0.

"To speak to a slick operator, stay on the line and the president will answer your call shortly."