. . . And Still The Moon
Part 09: Living

Andrew Cannon

They let me out. They say I'm cured. A model citizen, ready to lead a worthwhile life in civilised society.

I pass through the gates of the Mental Institute (or Loony Bin as we like to call it) looking forward to life as a new man. I hav'nt had a drink for six months (I even stopped thinking about alcohol last month but started having impure thoughts about the lavatory disinfectant)

I walk down the road, enjoying the sunshine. A little kid walks past..

"Loony Loony ! You're mad you are, everyone knows it !" he cries at my back

I ignore him (although the image of him been crushed by a bus full of mental patients enters my mind for a brief second) I don't have to listen to him, he can't hurt me.

I walk back to my flat and open the door. I hear something scutter into the kitchen as I turn on the living room light. Its too big to be c---roaches, it must be a burglar. I hope they left me a video recorder this time.

I grab the imitation sword off the wall and advance on the kitchen. The sword blade bends and undulates under its own weight as I move but it makes me feel like Robin Hood so I ignore the unsteady movement.

I kick open the kitchen door like a true professional (I've often thought that nobody needs to train American cops, they just sit them in front of a TV for three months and show them 'TJ Hooker', 'Miami Vice' and 'Starskey and Hutch'. The'll soon learn the correct technique for entering buildings, planting evidence and shooting suspects)

A large pizza sits at the table. Its wearing my lemon striped pyjamas and my fluffy rabbit slippers. This could be serious !

I wave the sword in its direction (the blade bends almost double under the air pressure)

"Have at yea, nave" I boldly shout (the advantages of a classic education)
The pizza just sits and looks at me. Slowly a tentacle made of cheese slips onto the table and grabs a small, ripe orange from a paper bag.
"What do you think you're doing" I shout, wobbling the sword in its direction for emphasise.
"I think I'm rebelling" says the pizza in a gravelly accent as it slowly peels the orange (it must be mad, everyone knows that orange tastes awful on pizza)
"What are you rebelling against ?" I ask with a strange feeling of Deja-vu.
"What ye got ?" says the pizza out of the corner of its mouth (well a big piece of salami shaped like a mouth)

Oh s---. I'm confronting a mutated, 'Rebel Without a Cause' pizza with a sword that makes cotton look sharp. Its lucky I know that I get the DT's all the time or I could be in trouble.

Then I remember....

I'm cured. I don't have those problems anymore.

I throw the sword at the pizza and run for the door. The sword bends double as it hits the solid 'stomach' of Johnny Pizza.

"Aaaarrggghhh, you could have someones eye out with that" it shouts at my back

I hit the door pausing long enough to grab the bottle of 150% proof vodka from my drinks cabinet.

I'm half way down the street and half way down the bottle. My whole system screams in ecstasy as the alcohol flows into my blood stream. The world explodes into a technicolour nightmare, every geometric shape twists into a sick parody of its true nature. Time runs backwards, I feel myself getting younger as my body twists into its optimum fighting shape.

I cry out into the night, my howl of agony and ecstasy reverberates throughout the land, ten thousand car owners simultaneously shout:-

"Oh s--- is that my car alarm ?"

Some time later I awake, crouched in a small drainage ditch. A large yellow rat is looking at me and wiping my brow with a rotting fish.

"Take it easy mate, you don't want to get caught do you ?" he squeaks

I remember when all this was life and everything seemed dull by comparison. These days people just don't have the time or energy to look to the moon for inspiration. I do, I hav'nt got anything else. I look at the face of Luna and thank her for the time.

You may think me sad and lost. You may wonder why I enjoy habiting a world of paranoia and florescent antelopes. You may wonder at the meaning of life.

I don't need to wonder. I know.

And Still the Moon.

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Submitted By: Anonymous

This joke is rated: PG