. . . And Still The Moon
Part 11: Escaping

Andrew Cannon

I've been drinking again.

I don't know where I am, but there's an unusual smell and the floor is wet.

I get to my feet and my head suddenly feels as if its too heavy for my neck. I stumble to the nearest wall and try to lean on it. I hit the floor with a soggy thump. Damn, leaned the wrong way.

Five minutes later I feel better and manage to stand. I can see a door in the far wall (Well, I can actually see six doors, a pink lemon, six Klingon warships and a packet of double chocolate cookies but that does'nt help the story) I stagger across the floor and grasp the door handle on the eighteenth attempt (I must be sobering up)

Its Locked !

Well, nothing unusual there. When you've been locked up as many times as me, you don't really notice the odd locked door. I go into my usual locked-door-opening technique.

"Let me out !! Help !! I'm drowning !! Let me out !! " I scream hysterically, banging on the door with my fists.

A key scrapes and turns in the lock and a rough looking gorilla pushes through the door. He's carrying a very sharp and dirty meat cleaver in one hand. This is'nt good.

"What you making all that noise for " he grunts.
"Where am I ? What am I doing here ? Who are you ?" I ask.

The gorilla scratches his head with the meat cleaver. Slivers of metal are broken off the blade by his hair. This is'nt good either.

"I'll get de boss" he says shutting the door. I hear the key turn in the lock.

Then I realise. He was'nt a gorilla, he was a man (or maybe Darwins missing link) A gorilla would never wear an orange, flared boiler suit and open toe sandals.

Five minutes (or one semi-nervous breakdown, two graphic flashbacks and a dose of the shakes) later the door reopens. A middle aged man enters the room. He's also wearing an orange, flared boiler suit but he seems to have some kind of rank insignia on his lapels.

"So Heir Moon, ve meet at last" he says in a mildly Germanic accent.

My jaw appears to have locked solid with panic, so I pretend to be cool, calm and defiantly silent.

"So you are been defiantly silent are ve ?" he says. "I suppose you are vondering vhy you are here ?"

I shrug my shoulders and concentrate on clenching my panic racked buttocks together. I do wonder why I'm here, but I don't trust my voice enough to make a comment yet. I've always had this deep fear of psychotic Germans in orange boiler suits.

"You are here" "To answer for your crimes against reality and popular literature. You vill be taken from zis room, then you vill be tried und shot. Zere is no escape, I suggest you make your peace vith your God"

The door slams and I'm left alone. I'm in trouble. I don't want to be shot. My body will leak !

My eyes scan the cell for a way out. The door and a small barred window are the only exit's from the room. I climb up to the window and look down on a lake, 50 ft below. I bang my head against the bars in frustration. One bar breaks away and falls, end over end, into the lake below. I'm free !

Except for the 50ft drop and the fact that I can't swim ! Then again I'm allergic to bullets as well so.....

10 minutes later I'm ready. I scan the pile of useful items I've collected.

  • 1 Toothbrush with half the bristles missing
  • 1 Bottle of emergency alcohol (My Mix 'n' Match mix (see part 10))
  • 6 packets of M&M's and
  • a small, rusty pair of scissors.
I break the rest of the bars out of the window and drink the Mix 'n' Match. My entire body seems to turn inside out and upside down and I can feel myself floating towards the ceiling. My whole personality twists and changes until I have the power of Agent Moon (Licensed to Kill and Keep Tropical Fish)

I quickly control myself and climb out of the window. The door opens behind me and I hear a scream of rage and anger. I prepare to jump but the gorilla grabs my leg. I lithely twist and stab the gorilla up the nose with the handle of my toothbrush. He falls back in pain. The German despot aims a gun, I focus my hallucinatory powers and the gun barrel becomes a bunch of daffodils, music pours from the handle.......

"I'll be your long haired lover from Liverpool"

The German falls back under the horrific onslaught of Little Jimmy Osmond.

I jump.......

My body arcs gracefully away from the window and begins the descent to the water. Every nerve in my body is singing with strength and energy. I hit the water in a smooth arc and everything goes black.


I awake on the banks of a picturesque fjord, somewhere in Norway. I'm wearing a pair of pink levis and a turban. Thats the problem with my Mix 'n' Match, it has these very peculiar side-effects. I check the pockets of my coat.

6 packets of M&M's a marriage certificate proclaiming me to be the spouse of a goat called Gerald and a small pair of rusty scissors.

Ah well. I wonder what Gerald looks like..... ?

Check out the rest of ". . . And Still The Moon"

Submitted By: Anonymous

This joke is rated: PG