Answering Machine Messages

  1. "We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express account number and we'll get back to you, pending credit approval."
  2. "You have reached the , Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missle Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave you name, number and target or list of targets and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day."
  3. "Hello. This is Chris. John and Mike aren't here right now, but if you leave a message, they'll get back to you as soon as they can."
  4. Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if...
    Matt: Steve, what are you doing?
    Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
    Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
    Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
    Matt: No, you're incorrect. It's definitely my turn.
    Steve: You fool. I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you doing with that frying pan?!?
    BONK [really loud thud]
    Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.
  5. "This is (include phone.addr). We are not ... excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of window breaking) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later."
  6. "Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does......"
  7. In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other church music [In a soft voice] Good Day My child, you have reached {name} dial a confession. At the tone if you will leave your name, number and short confession I will get back to you with your pennance. Thank you and may God go with you.
  8. "Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name ...", etc.
  9. Hi this is . I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.
  10. In a loud, deep, gravely, horror-film voice he recorded, "HI, THIS IS KATHY, I'M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW. IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I'M FEELING BETTER."
  11. This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is supercilious ...}
  12. "This is Jeff, you're not in now so I'll leave a message." Really confused people.
  13. Hello. I can't come to the phone now because--HEY, GEORGE! DON'T STAND ON THAT--goddam. ...because I've invited George and Barbara Bush over ...BARBARA! HEY! DON'T f--- WITH THAT!...over for dinner. After the tone...BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG...MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! ....s---...Leave a message after the tone...HEY, f---HEAD...
  14. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
  15. Ring, Ring: The number you have xxx-xxxx (your number) has been changed, the new number is xxx-xxxx (again, your number). CULATA!
  16. "I'm home right now . . . I'm just trying to avoid someone I don't like. If I don't call you back, it was you."
  17. (in an Italian mafia-style tone:) "Hello. I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little...

Any that you have used in the past?? Lemm know and I'll add them and put your name there (unfortunately, I don't know where I got this - it was over four years ago)

Submitted By: Anonymous

This joke is rated: PG
Tags: Advice list