Career Opportunities

I'm going rapidly broke thanks to the good people at Nissan. My wife owns a Nissan Multi, which is a small van designed by the Japanese as a practical joke to get even with us for treating them badly during World War II.

Our Nissan (which is Japanese for "Worthless Piece Of s--- Lemon") comes equipped with the world's first Kamikaze engine: every time you take off in the Nissan the engine blows itself up on purpose. In the last six months we've had one engine self-destruct, which was replaced ($1,800), only to have the distributor blow up ($600), then the timing belt ($500), and now the whole engine again (another $1,800).

The upshot of all this s--- is that I'm thinking I might have to moonlight in a second job to pay the repair bills. The only trouble is, when I stopped to think about it, I've been a writer for over 20 years and I don't know how to do anything else. (Some may argue I also don't know how to write, but to you I say I know where you live and if you're not careful I'll park our Nissan in front of your house. KABOOM! EAT TASTY DEATH!!!!)

So anyway, I found a magazine with one of those aptitude tests that lets you find out what occupations you're suited for. You simply answer a questionnaire about your talents (if any), strengths and weaknesses, and then you find out what line of work is perfect for you.

After taking the test, I found out that the perfect job for me is Mass Murderer. This gave me pause at first, but the more I thought about it, the more the idea grew (or should I say festered) in my mind. Let's face it, there are a lot of advantages to being a Mass Murderer:

  1. The hours are flexible.
  2. You can work out of your home.
  3. You gain a lot of fame: TV and newspaper reporters will fall all over you and you get a nifty mug shot of yourself posted in every post office. Not to mention the quickie books and the made-for-TV movies.
  4. You can think of a cool nickname for yourself, like Son Of Sam, or Jack The Ripper, or Willie The Wacko.
  5. There's job security: Once you're caught, you have guaranteed room and board and even free clothes for the rest of your life. Talk about an ironclad retirement plan!
But of course there are drawbacks:
  1. It's extremely hard to dig shallow graves in your backyard during the winter when the ground is frozen. So it's sort of seasonal work.
  2. It can be really embarrassing when the dog drags in severed body parts while you're hosting a dinner party.
  3. You might accidentally hijack a stranger who is driving a Nissan and die a horrible death.


The next closest job I found I was suited for was Bike Gang Leader. At first I thought it might be sort of fun to be the leather-clad leader of the pack, with the cool denim vest with "Heck's Angels" emblazoned across the back. But then I started to think of the start-up cost. I don't have any cool leathers. I don't have a Harley chopper. And I don't have a gang. All these things cost money. So the overhead is high. Also the dental plan sucks.

So forget that one.

I put on the quiz that I liked to travel to exotic places, liked to work at a job where there is always a cart of hooch nearby and am also interested in a career that involves broadcasting, especially while wearing women's clothes.

The test results suggested I become an airline stewardess. I gave this some thought and my only concern is that, as far as I know, airline stewardesses don't make a big whack of cash. Plus people barf on you. The only way I could see making this job pay is to follow this plan:

  1. Once the plane takes off, look terrified and say things like "What was that? I've never heard that noise before. Oh s---. We're GOING DOWN!!!"
  2. Next, when you're pushing the cart around, you say as follows: "Coffee? Tea? Parachutes? Life insurance policies in asphalt, fire and bomb resistance cases?" You could clean up.
I went to the interview but the airline folks said my legs were too hairy.

I just wish those pilots would stop calling for dates.


I also stressed on the questionnaire that I wanted a profession that would allow me to sleep on the job pretty well most of the time. But this turned out to be another dead end: Mattress testers don't make much, I'm too young to be elected to the Senate and the TTC says it already has enough subway drivers. It's cold out there in the ol' job market.

This is a true story: A friend of mine was having trouble getting along with some of his co-workers, so the company sent him to a psychologist to see if he was anti-social. The shrink handed my friend a list of jobs and asked which one he felt best suited for. The list included social worker, minister, doctor and other caring, socially- integrated professions.

He circled the last job on the list: Lighthouse keeper.


Anyway, I'm still looking for that moonlight job. Money is tight. One guy I know suggested that maybe I could save a few bucks if I quit drinking beer.

I listened very carefully to his wise advice. And then I killed him.

It turned out just as I thought.

Shallow graves are very hard to dig when your backyard is frozen solid.

Maybe if I bought a freezer?

Submitted By: Anonymous

This joke is rated: PG