I'm going rapidly broke thanks to the good people at Nissan. My wife owns a Nissan Multi, which is a small van designed by the Japanese as a practical joke to get even with us for treating them badly during World War II.
Our Nissan (which is Japanese for "Worthless Piece Of s--- Lemon") comes equipped with the world's first Kamikaze engine: every time you take off in the Nissan the engine blows itself up on purpose. In the last six months we've had one engine self-destruct, which was replaced ($1,800), only to have the distributor blow up ($600), then the timing belt ($500), and now the whole engine again (another $1,800).
The upshot of all this s--- is that I'm thinking I might have to moonlight in a second job to pay the repair bills. The only trouble is, when I stopped to think about it, I've been a writer for over 20 years and I don't know how to do anything else. (Some may argue I also don't know how to write, but to you I say I know where you live and if you're not careful I'll park our Nissan in front of your house. KABOOM! EAT TASTY DEATH!!!!)
So anyway, I found a magazine with one of those aptitude tests that lets you find out what occupations you're suited for. You simply answer a questionnaire about your talents (if any), strengths and weaknesses, and then you find out what line of work is perfect for you.
After taking the test, I found out that the perfect job for me is Mass Murderer. This gave me pause at first, but the more I thought about it, the more the idea grew (or should I say festered) in my mind. Let's face it, there are a lot of advantages to being a Mass Murderer:
The next closest job I found I was suited for was Bike Gang Leader. At first I thought it might be sort of fun to be the leather-clad leader of the pack, with the cool denim vest with "Heck's Angels" emblazoned across the back. But then I started to think of the start-up cost. I don't have any cool leathers. I don't have a Harley chopper. And I don't have a gang. All these things cost money. So the overhead is high. Also the dental plan sucks.
So forget that one.
I put on the quiz that I liked to travel to exotic places, liked to work at a job where there is always a cart of hooch nearby and am also interested in a career that involves broadcasting, especially while wearing women's clothes.
The test results suggested I become an airline stewardess. I gave this some thought and my only concern is that, as far as I know, airline stewardesses don't make a big whack of cash. Plus people barf on you. The only way I could see making this job pay is to follow this plan:
I just wish those pilots would stop calling for dates.
This is a true story: A friend of mine was having trouble getting along with some of his co-workers, so the company sent him to a psychologist to see if he was anti-social. The shrink handed my friend a list of jobs and asked which one he felt best suited for. The list included social worker, minister, doctor and other caring, socially- integrated professions.
He circled the last job on the list: Lighthouse keeper.
I listened very carefully to his wise advice. And then I killed him.
It turned out just as I thought.
Shallow graves are very hard to dig when your backyard is frozen solid.
Maybe if I bought a freezer?
Submitted By: Anonymous