Chemical Analysis Of A Woman
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Quantitative Analysis
- Accepted at 36-24-36, though isotopes
ranging from 25-10-20 to 60-55-60
have been identified.
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Occurance
- Found wherever man is, but seldom in the reactive,
energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban
areas.
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Physical Properties
- Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps)
at absolutely nothing, and freezes at a moments notice.
Totally unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very
bitter if not well used. Found in various states, ranging
from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic but attracted
by coins and sport cars. In its natural shape the specimen
varies considerably, but it is often changed artificially so
well that the change is indiscernible except to the
experienced eye.
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Chemical Properties
- Has a great affinity for AU, AG, and C,
especially in the crystalline form. May give violent
reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food
matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with various
reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH and sexy aftershave lotions.
An essential catalyst is often required (must say you love
her at east five times daily). Reaction accelerates out of
control when in the dark and all reaction conditions are
suitable. Extremely difficult to react if in the highly
stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct
points. The reaction is highly exothermic.
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Storage
- Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25
years.
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Uses
- Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Used
on lonely nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).
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Tests
- Pure specimen turn rosy tint if discovered in raw,
natural state. Turns green if placed besides a better
specimen.
Caution:
Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and
ego). Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen
must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed.
It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen,
though a certain amount of exchange is permitted.