| Symptom | Fault | Solution |
|---|---|---|
| Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet. | Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face. | Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. |
| Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste ; Beer unusually pale and clear. | Glass is empty. | Find someone who will buy you another pint. |
| Feet cold and wet. | Glass being held at incorrect angle. | Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling. |
| Feet warm and wet. | Loss of self-control. | Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training. |
| Bar blurred. | You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. | Find someone who will buy you another pint. |
| Bar swaying. | Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress. | Insert broom handle down back of jacket. |
| Bar moving. | You are being carried out. | Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked. |
| The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it. | You have fallen over backwards. | If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar. |
| Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends. | You have fallen over forwards. | Same as for falling over backwards. |
| You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. | You have spent the night in the gutter. | Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in. |
| Everything has gone dim. | The pub is closing. | PANIC !!!!! |
Submitted By: Anonymous