How To Speak Republican

America (United States of)A country located in the N. Western Hemisphere that is #1.
BibleA sacred text that provides incontestable answers when thumped.
Birth CertificateAn official birth record required of all US Presidents, regardless of race, since 2008.
CapitalismA system of economic organization that has never been attempted.
ChristmasA holiday commemorating the birth of Jesus Christ, now rarely celebrated due to persecution by atheists.
Compromise(uncommon) A form of political suicide.
Coast (East)A very bad coast of the continental United States.
Coast (West)Another really inexcusable coast.
CommunismThe belief that the government should ever do anything.
CondescendingAccurately informed.
Constitution (U.S.)The hallowed founding document of the United States, the text of which must be interpreted strictly and amended immediately.
CorporationsLarge people who are overtaxed.
Deficits1) Fiscal shortfalls incurred by Democrats that threaten to bankrupt the country. 2) Fiscal shortfalls incurred by Republicans that don't matter.
DemocratA political party.
ElectionA method of selecting representatives, the fraudulence of which may be determined by the outcome.
Endangered SpeciesAnimals that have it coming.
EvolutionA theory of human origins that is out there.
Extremist (Liberal)Espousing or adhering to political beliefs that are held by only a majority of Americans.
FactInformation that has been verifiably posted to a RedState comment board.
Forest (National)Trees that have it coming.
GutRegion of the body from which decisions should be made.
HomosexualityA membership-only lifestyle organization that perpetuates itself through youth recruitment.
HitlerA man to whom it would be inappropriate to compare President Obama in spite of the many uncanny similarities.
JesusCharismatic religious leader and son of God; born in Bethlehem in the year 0; beliefs include love, charity, enhanced interrogation, privatized healthcare, elimination of the estate tax, and the right to carry concealed semiautomatic weapons.
League (Ivy)an association of eight Eastern universities and colleges, the lack of a fancy education from which qualifies a candidate for political office.
LiberalA person who should be rounded up and shot but not really.
MarxismA political and economic philosophy developed by Karl Marx and promulgated by Paul Krugman.
Media (Mainstream)Where you won't hear things.
MedicareA fraudulent, socialistic boondoggle that is sacrosanct.
MexicansBrown people who have it coming.
MountaintopsAncient rock formations that have it coming.
MuslimsBrown people who have it coming.
NewsFox News
ObamacareA Federally-mandated policy to address the national oversupply of grandparents through euthanasia.
OrganicEaten by lesbians.
Party (Tea)A grass-roots movement of patriotic Americans fighting for the principle of "No Taxation With Representation."
PollA survey used to determine, to within a margin of error, what percentage of Americans are right.
PovertyThe condition of having inadequate financial or material resources due to not trying hard enough.
PropagandaThe politically motivated dissemination of biased information, opinion, or data through its publication in the New York Times.
Punishment (Capital)The legally authorized killing by the State of someone who is definitely guilty.
RacismA form of discrimination that typically happens in reverse.
RegulationRules issued by a government agency for no reason.
Ronald ReaganA fictional character based loosely on President Ronald Reagan.
ScientistA person who employs a rigorous system of observation, experiment, measurement, and verification to perpetuate his Godless left-wing agenda.
Social SecurityA redistributionist Ponzi scheme that is sacrosanct.
SocialismAn economic system invented by FDR.
TaxesLevies imposed by the government that raise more revenue the lower they are.
TortureA method of interrogation that does not rise to the level of torture.
TerroristA person to whom a person who threatens to destroy the U.S. economy unless his demands are met should not be compared.
UnbiasedGiving equal weight to both sides of the looking glass.
Wealthy (the)People who earned every penny.
UpA direction which, depending on circumstances, is down.
Warming (Global)An anomalous, anthropogenic increase in the earth's atmospheric and oceanic temperatures that isn't happening.
WelfareA government program to distribute Cadillacs to unwed mothers.
Yes(no translation available)

Submitted By: Mike B
Oct 26, 2011 09:09

This joke is rated: G