To My Dear Wife,

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 12 times. The following list is why I didn't succeed often.

1. The sheets are clean						54 times
2. It is too late						17 times
3. Too tired from shopping all day						49 times
4. It is too early						20 times
5. It is too hot						15 times
6. Pretending to be asleep						15 times
7. The neighbors will hear us						3 times
8. Headache						22 itmes
9. Sunburn						7 times
10. Your Mother will hear us						9 times
11. Not in the mood						43 times
12. You will wake the baby						17 times
13. Watching the late show						6 times
14. New Hairdo						5 times
15. Too sore						16 times
16. Wrong time of month						36 times
17. Have to get up early						19 times

Of the 12 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 2 times you just laid there, 4 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 3 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 2 times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

---

To My Dear Husband,

I think that you have gotten things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you did not get it more often than you did.

1. Came home drunk and tried to f--- the cat						15 times
2. Did not come home at all						36 times
3. Did not come						21 times
4. Came too soon						33 times
5. Went soft before you got it in						33 times
6. Toes cramped						10 times
7. Working too late						38 times
8. Have to get up early to play golf						29 times
9. Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls						2 times
10. Caught Herman in your zipper						4 times
11. Caught a cold and your nose kept running						3 times
12. Burned your tongue on hot coffee						3 times
13. You had a splinter in your finger						2 times
14. Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book						16 times
15. Watching football on TV						98 times
16. Hemorrhoids flared up						10 times

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you were f---ing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, would you prefer me on my back or kneeling. The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe!!