Why The Sex Was Bad

To My Dear Wife,

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 12 times. The following list is why I didn't succeed often.

1. The sheets are clean54 times
2. It is too late17 times
3. Too tired from shopping all day49 times
4. It is too early20 times
5. It is too hot15 times
6. Pretending to be asleep15 times
7. The neighbors will hear us3 times
8. Headache22 itmes
9. Sunburn7 times
10. Your Mother will hear us9 times
11. Not in the mood43 times
12. You will wake the baby17 times
13. Watching the late show6 times
14. New Hairdo5 times
15. Too sore16 times
16. Wrong time of month36 times
17. Have to get up early19 times

Of the 12 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 2 times you just laid there, 4 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 3 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 2 times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.


To My Dear Husband,

I think that you have gotten things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you did not get it more often than you did.

1. Came home drunk and tried to f--- the cat15 times
2. Did not come home at all36 times
3. Did not come21 times
4. Came too soon33 times
5. Went soft before you got it in33 times
6. Toes cramped10 times
7. Working too late38 times
8. Have to get up early to play golf29 times
9. Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls2 times
10. Caught Herman in your zipper4 times
11. Caught a cold and your nose kept running3 times
12. Burned your tongue on hot coffee3 times
13. You had a splinter in your finger2 times
14. Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book16 times
15. Watching football on TV98 times
16. Hemorrhoids flared up10 times
Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you were f---ing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, would you prefer me on my back or kneeling. The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe!!

Submitted By: Anonymous

This joke is rated: R