The Umbrelly

The newest development in male contraception was unveiled recently at the American's Women's Surgical Symposium held at the Ann Arbor Medical Center. Dr. Sophia Merkin, of the Merkin Clinic, announced the preliminary findings of a study conducted on 763 unsuspecting male grad students at a large Midwestern university. In her report, Dr. Merkin stated that the new contraceptive- the IPD -was a breakthrough in male contraception. It will be marketed under the trade name "Umbrelly."

The IPD (intrapenal device) resembles a tiny folded umbrella that is inserted through the head of the penis and pushed into the scrotum with a plunger-like instrument. Occasionally, there is perforation of the scrotum, but this is disregarded, since it is known that the male has few nerve endings in this area of his body. The underside of the umbrella contains a spermicidal jelly, hence the name "Umbrelly."

Experiments on a thousand white whales from the Continental Shelf (whose sexual apparatus is said to be closest to man's) proved the Umbrelly to be 100 percent effective in preventing production of sperm and eminently satisfactory to the female whale, since it doesn't interfere with her rutting pleasure.

Dr. Merkin declared the Umbrelly to be statistically safe for the human male. She reported that of the 763 grad students tested with the device, only two died of scrotal infection, only twenty experienced swelling of the tissues. Three developed cancer of the testicles, and thirteen were too depressed to have an erection. She states that common complaints ranged from cramping and bleeding to acute abdominal pain. She emphasized that these symptoms were merely indications that the man's body had not yet adjusted to the device. Hopefully the symptoms were disappear within a year.

One complication caused by th IPD and briefly mentioned by Dr. Merkin was the incidence of massive scrotal infection necessitating the surgical removal of the testicles. "But this is a rare case," said Merkin, "too rare to be statistically important. She said the other distinguished members of the Women's College of Surgeons agreed that the benefits far outweighed the risk to any individual man.

Submitted By: Anonymous

This joke is rated: PG